From the novel Kal, by Shyam Manohar. Published by/courtesy of Popular Prakashan Pvt Ltd, Mumbai. Translation from Marathi by Winston Berg.

1
In my childhood I wasn’t brilliant or talented. I didn’t study much. In adulthood I didn’t study anything at all. I didn’t try to use my mind. Then, without having accomplished anything myself, my age increased. So I decided: you are wise now. Now you should speak on every topic. Give your opinion without thinking. Now that I’ve grown old, I behave like an intelligent person.

2
I tried writing poetry. I tried photography. I tried criticism. I stuck my nose wherever I could.

3
What do I read? I just read the newspaper. I don’t read literature.

4
Most of the time I talk about politics. I also say that it’s politicians who have ruined our society. Although, I do give importance to politicians. I feel that the prime minister is a great person. MP’s, MLA’s, Corporators are great people, to me. My respect to politicians.

5
I pay no mind to mathematicians, poets, writers, scientists. A mathematician lives next door to me, I don’t even look at him.

6
Is there happiness in taking revenge? There should be. Really, there should be. There is. I am happy to take advantage of my losses.

7
I never read poetry.

8
I’ve never read the Mahabharata. I’ve never read the Ramayana. I say this proudly.

9
How many Marathi words do I know? Ten million? A hundred thousand? Fifty thousand? At least ten thousand? Really, how many words of my mother tongue? I should count them once. My god! I should count how many words I know. Yes! Even so, there are millions of words that I don’t know. Very few words come to mind. I know at least a couple thousand. But how to confirm the exact amount? There must be some science to it. But… but I am getting bored, I’m getting lazy, I should study science. I should count how many words I know. I don’t want to get a headache. How many words might my mother and father know? How many words might my children know? A thousand!

10
I never cared much about language. I don’t care about words. Never mind sentences. Language just came to me. There’s sweetness in language, there’s beauty – here, I didn’t pay attention. I don’t even pay attention while speaking. I just speak, somehow. I partially pronounce words. And I speak, even so. So, how is it? Where did you go? How are you? Are you alright?

11
Do people like to hear good things about others, or do they like to hear bad things?

12
I like to say bad things about others. I like to wish misfortune upon others. I like to speak hypocritically. Accept my hypocrisy. I’ll accept your hypocrisy. I’ll be nice to you. You’ll be nice to me. Accept my false good deeds. I’ll accept your false good deeds.

13
I live my life creating small mafias. I form cliques, however small they may be.

14
I don’t like being alone.

15
I like to make trouble for others.

16
I like to eat more than I am hungry.

17
I like to avoid work. In the office I work very little. I don’t work carefully. It’s said that people in other countries do a lot of work. I like to leave work unfinished, and so on.

18
I once had a dream that I didn’t have to do any work. Someone said that I don’t get any work done, and a terrible anger came over me. Now, if you admit that you don’t work carefully, I too will admit it. You should be honest first, then I will, okay? Anyhow, let’s make a secret agreement, just you and me: you won’t criticize me, and I won’t criticize you.

19
I love to give in to my desires.

20
I asked everyone in town, who is knowledgeable? No one is knowledgeable, said everyone. Then I asked everyone in town, are you knowledgeable? “Yes,” said everyone, “I am.”

21
What is the meaning of life? Life is about networking, maintaining connections, and doing one another’s work through connections. Doctor, schoolmaster, lawyer, restauranteur, tailor, MLA, police officer, gasman: all these people need to make connections. I get all my work through connections.

22
I like people whose opinions match with mine. I don’t like people who have different opinions than me.

23
I listen to music. I never listen to the words in the song. That is to say, I don’t hear them. I automatically understand four or five words. In all of the songs, any song, I have never found meaning.

24
If someone raises a serious issue, I don’t understand it or I don’t pay attention to it. Or I say, “we’ll discuss it once you’ve calmed down.” Then, I simply never sit down to discuss it.

25
I think about horrible things, and I seem like I’m thinking about great things. I want everyone to be a liar like me.

26
I never know what’s best.

27
I never really know the meaning of a word and I never will. I can’t stand brilliant people. Many brilliant people have accidentally come into my company, little by little they come to my attention. Slowly, I start to hate this person. I always hate brilliant people.

28
I don’t like to have anything explained to me.

29
I only listen to those who give me respect.

30
I think art is a big palace made of Styrofoam. When lighting and water make an illusion, I think it’s art. In this world, I think getting the upper hand is art. Convincing someone is art. To show others you’ve got nothing, even though you’ve got everything, is art. Artifice is art.

31
Bravery, generosity, truth, fearlessness; I think these are only words.

32
Once I went to a lecture on science. The lecturer looked sweet and humble. I liked this. So, I sat down for the speech. They said, and this is a lecture of science, do you understand? Do you know what he said in the speech? Well, he was saying a lot. The topic was: the new horizon of science. The lecturer gave an example involving “autumn” or something, I didn’t understand, but then he made a lot of jokes and we all laughed. With the help of science, pigs will be as big as elephants – this is the new horizon of science, he said. I really like speakers that talk to us in the audience. The ones who amaze us, who make us laugh, I like those speakers. Once I went to a lecture by mistake, the speaker didn’t look at us in the audience. We didn’t pay attention to him. He spoke as if he himself was amazed by his own words. Anyway, I didn’t like that speaker at all. I had absolutely no understanding of what he was saying. I only could understand the one speaker, he should have spoken like the other.

33
In a discussion, I hear one word and that’s what we argue about.

34
I rarely read a book. Over the course of a year, I pick up a book once or twice. I never buy books. I get books from our street’s library. I just sift through the book. I don’t read the first page. I don’t read the first paragraph. I never sit down to read the first line. I never sit down to read the first word. I don’t know the meaning of some of the words, but I don’t struggle to understand it. I don’t get upset. I simply drop that word out. If I don’t recognize a word, I don’t read it over again, I just give up, that’s all. Then I start thinking, should I skip the paragraph too? And with this thought, I give up on the whole book. Without reading various lines and paragraphs like this, I feel like I’ve read the book. Even though I only halfway paid attention, I still read the book. Even though the book is incomprehensible, I read the book. I don’t read the book properly. I won’t sit down and try to understand its meaning. I don’t really buy books, and I don’t read them. And I’m proud that I don’t read books.

35
Imagine I’m walking on the street. I’m never in a hurry at all. There isn’t anything wrong with me. What I mean is, there’s nothing wrong with my mental state. As I was walking down the street, someone suddenly stood in front of me. He stopped me and said, “a scientist has measured earth’s exact weight.” “How much does it weigh? How did he find out?,” I will never ask such questions. I’m not even slightly curious about anything. And, I’m proud that I’m not curious.

36
Bhimsen Joshi, Mallikarjun Mansur, Kesarbai, Gangubai, leave these singers aside. What I mean is, put them aside because they are great. What should we think about them? They’re great. Even though they’re great, it only really takes a minute to understand this, and then I remove them from my head. Tukaram is great, right? I agree with this and put him aside. My mind can’t hold them. They don’t fit in my brain. Even if something’s the greatest, should we keep it in our mind or throw it out? I throw it out. But then what’s left in my head? In my mind, in my head, the second and third rate remain. I’ll use five or ten minutes of my life to call Tukaram, Bhimsen Joshi, and Einstein the greatest, and keep the other seventy-seven years for second and third rate things. I could live a second or third rate life for a long time. Then, once Shakespeare is put aside as the best playwright, I’ll call my brother-in-law the best playwright. However my son acts, I’ll call him a great artist. In this way, my third, even fourth-rate writing attains greatness.

37
Who do I call good? People who benefit me, they are the ones I call good.

38
I’m not intelligent, and I know this. Only sometimes do I confess to this in my life. If someone says to me, “you’re not intelligent” or even “you’re less intelligent than…,” a terrible anger comes over me.

39
I can recognize sixty-seven colors. Colors are sprinkled throughout nature, flowers, leaves, bushes, the sky, that’s what I read somewhere, I heard somewhere. In nature, flower petals, the leaves of bushes, the sky at sunrise and sunset, there are colors here and sometimes I see them, but I never forget myself, I’m never overjoyed. What I mean is, I was quite happy, but I wasn’t really, immensely happy. Moreover, there are many shades of colors, I don’t make an effort to know the details. In fact, I don’t make an effort to know the details about anything. I’m utterly vague.

40
Our India is a poor country. But the rich people in our country, do they know the language well? Are they well read? Do they know the difference between the shades of the colors? Do they use proper grammar?

41
Suppose I’m an engineer. And I build houses. I can’t build houses well at all. I’m a terrible, useless builder and contractor. Whoever I am, I’m terrible. I’m a terrible carpenter. I can’t work carefully and I’m helpless at the feet of the party chief. I’m terrible in the opposition party. My government is going nowhere. I’m a terrible Prime Minister. I can’t get rid of poverty in my country. I’m a terrible devotee. I’ll build a temple to my god, I’ll start a huge movement, but the temple’s architecture will be terrible. Because I don’t have the talent for architecture. I never had respect for architecture. I don’t respect architects. There shouldn’t be more architecture. There shouldn’t be any more science. I act like I’m not amazed by anyone. Don’t be amazed by your studies. I act like no one in my country should study mathematics, no one should study in their life. I act like no one should study astronomy for their whole life. I think that no one should spend their whole life studying anything. I think that, since I am shallow, everyone around me should be shallow too.

42
In India, 0 A.D., there was a big movement to ban dowry. In India, 1 A.D., there was a big movement to ban dowry. In India, 2 A.D., there was a big movement to ban dowry. In India, 4 A.D., there was a big movement to ban dowry. In India, 100 A.D., there was a big movement to ban dowry. In India, 2000 A.D., there was a big movement to ban dowry. In India, 3000 A.D., 5000 A.D., 150,000 A.D., there was a big movement to ban dowry. After 150,000 years, 10,000,000 years, there is a big movement to ban dowry. The Great Flood came, and the big movement to ban dowry, ban the caste system, ban poverty, ban corruption and unite India rages on.

43
I sit in front of the TV. I keep watching the TV whether I like it or not. Marathi cinema is awful. Let it be. A drama is starting, let it be. There are no good magazines in Marathi. Don’t let that be. Editors that don’t study. Let it be. Those who don’t practice are critics. Those who always study but never think are professors. Let it be. People who don’t know the meaning of greatness are defining it. Let it be. Let it be, I say. Frankly speaking? I have no need for anything cultural. The government wants to hold cultural festivals, so let’s do it. If someone wants to help the state out with cultural festivals, let it be.

44
I’m greedy for happiness. Even after getting so much I was restless. Therefore I wanted peace. So I turned to spirituality. In my youth I wanted sex, in my old age I want spirituality. Sex brings happiness and joy, and spirituality brings peace. It seems to me that spirituality is something that has to be done twenty-four hours a day. But of those twenty-four, I can manage only about half an hour to be spiritual. Who knows what I do for the rest of the hour! Who knows what I’ve done all my life! I don’t know anything.

45
I visited the library of the British Council. I never cared whether there was a top quality library in my town. Who does?

46
All the hospitals are filthy. Dirty hospitals indicate a most inferior culture. I’ve never tried to improve the hospitals. Who would?

47
I can’t talk much. I can’t listen much. I can’t give much. I can’t get much.

48
I’m afraid to do something great. I made someone afraid to do something great.

49
Independence, especially my own, has never even occurred to me.

50
In my youth I’d park my scooter in a “no parking” zone, and I’d pay the police to get off.

51
I don’t fear science. I fear grandfather. I’m not at all excited to meet a scientist, but when I meet a grandfather, I proudly mention that some-or-other grandfather is my acquaintance.

52
I’m afraid to hurt someone. Why would I hurt someone for no reason? I’d rather sit around and gossip. But I don’t feel ashamed to be totally exhausted by life.

53
I also fear my vices. I fear success too. I don’t think anyone should be successful.

54
I act like a thief. I suppress everything and do it secretly.

55
I had a dream. In the dream, it was so dark. And in the darkness, a black bull was sitting stupidly. I can’t wake up.