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Mouse Magazine’s First Print Issue + Chapbook Series

Mouse Magazine is proud to announce the release of our first print issue and chapbook series. Links below. International shipping available.

Mouse Magazine Issue 1

Mouse Magazine Issue 1 compiles writing from five years of Mouse. Featuring writing and art from: Avi Ackerman, Henri Antikainen, Christian Belanger, Winston Berg, Soyonbo Borgjin, Joshua Craze, Ted Davis, Joseph Dole, Cliff Fyman, Benjamin Ginzky, Kirsten Ginzky, Neal Jochmann, Kyla Kaplan, Ariella Katz, Julian Lindgren, Guthrie London, Max Maller, Shyam Manohar, Gautama Mehta, Morley Musick, Hugh Musick, Henry Cole Smith, Amelia Soth, Olivya Veazey, Brendan White, and Haeyin Zho. Buy here.

Mouse Chapbook 1 – Legal Fictions, by M. Musick, Illustrated by H. Musick

Certain contemporary phenomena have qualities more fabulous than real.  “Legal Fictions” collects a series of fables which narrativize (albeit in a primitive manner) these nevertheless-real phenomena, which include: ghost restaurants, the Obama-era legal definition of a terrorist as “any 18-year-old male within a strike zone,” corporate personhood, the interview process for immigrants seeking asylum, the wheat commodity shock which precipitated the Arab Spring, the peculiar funding mechanism of the deep oil port at Aden, carbon offsets schemes, mass detentions, and the bitcoin honeypot industry. Compiled by M. Musick, with etchings by H. Musick. Buy here.

Mouse Chapbook 2 -A Select Archive of Deleted Wikipedia Articles on aspects of Finnish Literature, by Henri Antikainen

Described by the author as ‘a contribution in the genre of misinformation’, this imaginary archive of deleted Wikipedia articles creates an alternate recent history of Finnish literature, populated by writers struggling with the difficulty of having to use language in their writing, or in some cases, finding ingenuous ways out of it. Through such striving the book like the obsessive authors it depicts reaches for the stillness after the storm in a teacup. Buy here.

Mouse Chapbook 3 – Clank of Light, by Henry Cole Smith

A sonnet corona begun during a 14-day quarantine period after returning to San Francisco from Paris in March, 2020. After “A Novelette” by William Carlos Williams, his surrealistic prose work written during a flu epidemic in New York in January, 1929. Buy here.

Announcing the Annual Irena C Katz Translation Prize

NOTE: DEADLINE HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO NOVEMBER 20.

In honor of the memory of our friend, the annual Irena C Katz Prize will award one translator a $1000 cash prize for the best English translation of a work of fiction, non-fiction, and/or poetry from any language.

Irena C. Katz was born in 1960 in Moscow, the daughter of a garment show designer and an auto mechanic turned publisher and writer. A beloved teacher, wife, mother, and friend to many of us, she read voraciously all her life.

As a child, Irena had memorized every capital of every country in the world by third grade; as an adult, she volunteered as an underground Samizdat translator and got in trouble with the Komsomol for watching too many foreign films. After applying to leave the Soviet Union, having met the American Jerry Katz, who was bringing long underwear to prisoner of conscience Alexander Paritsky, Irena was expelled from her nearly completed PhD program in British and French literature at Moscow State University where she was writing on late eighteenth century pre-Romanticism. She was one of only a handful of people permitted to exit the country in 1985.  After arriving in Boston, she lived for six years in a log cabin in the woods without electricity or running water. She simultaneously taught Russian and Russian literature at Boston University for a cumulative total of nearly 35 years, where she was a devoted, demanding, and compassionate mentor to generations of students. Irena had an insatiable sense of adventure and she traveled almost the entire globe—from Syria and Antarctica to the Gobi Desert and the Northern Turkish Republic of Cyprus.

Among many projects, she took part in the translation of the Complete Poems of Anna Akhmatova, named by the New York Times Book Review one of its 1990 fourteen Best Books of the Year. She read Proust in French all the way through continuously, beginning anew after finishing the seventh volume. She gave generously to refugees and prisoners in Russia, Belarus, and Ukraine. She celebrated beauty in art, in nature, and in people, but she would often forget what food she ate. Her colleagues described her as incorruptible, living her ideals without compromise and putting down her roots in a soil of universal culture. Irena’s love of language and of life set the world on fire. Her spirit shines on. 

Пустота. Но при мысли о ней
видишь вдруг как бы свет ниоткуда.
Знал бы Ирод, что чем он сильней,
тем верней, неизбежнее чудо.

Emptiness. But as you think about her
you see as if light out of nowhere.
If only Herod knew that the stronger he is,
the more true and more certain the miracle.

Joseph Brodsky from “December 24, 1971”

Details: To submit a work for the Irena Katz Prize, please email it as an attachment to mousemageditors@gmail.com with the subject line: “Irena Katz Prize Submission: [Your name], [Title of Work Translated].” Any format of any length is fine. Submissions are open until November 20. The winner will be announced January 1, 2024.

House of Gods, and other Stories

It’s said that there are two countries in Russia, one inside Moscow’s ring road and another outside of it. Black Jizz [Черная Молофья], by Sergei Ukhanov, is a collection of loosely and cartoonishly autobiographical short stories which provide a vicious characterization of this second, provincial world—and a marginally less vicious portrait of the inner ring, specifically of gay urban life, undecorated, and hindered less by propaganda and individual prejudice than by the less charismatic degradation of poverty. It was originally published by Kolonna, a small press responsible for the Russian publication translations of such authors as Kathy Acker and Pierre Guyotat (and much else besides) which has since closed. The book was staged as a play, who knows how, at Rīga’s Gertrudes Street Theater in 2015.

I picked up Black Jizz in a Latvian bookstore because it featured an image of a very sick man with engorged testicles on its cover. This image and the subject matter of certain stories might lead the casual reader to suppose that its author aims to shock. Ukhanov does shock, he is in fact gifted at it; but it is not his primary aim, and one quickly adjusts, like the inhabitants of hell in a joke a friend likes to tell:

A man goes down to hell. The devil says, “Hey, welcome in,” and hands him a mug of coffee. Everyone else is also drinking coffee and chatting. The only thing is this: everyone is standing knee deep in shit. 

Nonetheless, the man gets in a nice conversation with some of the other damned, and thinks to himself, “Hey, I guess hell isn’t such a bad place after all.” Then, after twenty minutes, the Devil rings a little bell and says, “Alright everybody, coffee break’s over. Back on your heads.”

In this collection, Ukhanov maintains an affable sympathy for those in the midst of extreme abjection, and keeps his cynicism when cheap romance offers an easy way out. Once he is done shocking, we get to the human business of storytelling. The stories are much like a coffee break in hell.

Black Jizz

On the day I turned 13 I got sick—I felt as though my eyelashes and nails and ears were going to drop off and my stomach writhed and twisted so much that I understood how menstrual cramps and a miscarriage all at once would feel. When papa shoved a plastic spoon of something many-colored and the consistency of bird shit into my mouth, I got hard for the first time in my life. That night two rose colored panthers appeared to me and tried to drag my flaming body through the open window, but beige angels1 in translucent clothing, sullen faced, halted them and returned my body to the damp and messy bed. As grandfather later explained to me, the rose colored panthers and beige angels were the extrusions of a hallucinatory fever, the hateful spawn of my high temperature, an expression of my intoxication. In the morning I was a little better, but something weird had happened—I had excreted a shining oily droplet. When mama saw it she screamed and grandmother crossed herself horrified and declared that it must be black jizz. At that point I lost consciousness out of fright. Coming to, I saw a crooked old lady with hooked fingers and an insane expression bent over me, whispering disgusting words. The foul exhaust creeping from her mouth spread through the room like carbon monoxide, and I barely kept from puking and started to choke. Almost touching me, the ancient creature screeched inhumanly and became covered in brown spots, and her cloudy eyes and jowls began to swell and bulge out, after which the failed healer was seized by both arms and dragged with some effort to her disgusting hovel in the neighboring apartment. Every morning for the next six days I excreted about a milliliter of black jizz. On the seventh day the unnatural flow ceased and I started to get better, except with a kind of weakness and brokenness in my extremities. Every day, mama had very carefully collected the accursed secretion into a flask, and into it papa pissed, grandfather cried, and grandmother lightly menstruated. After this procedure, to which my relatives had attached great significance and solemnity, the flask was soldered shut and buried in loose earth. The place where my black jizz was buried will be my eventual tomb. 

1.  20 years later, in a formerly Catholic and now Protestant cathedral in a certain German city that has stood since the 12th century and is known for its marzipan and for giving the world Thomas Mann and Gunter Grass, I saw an image of similar angels to the right of the altar. The vision did not sustain itself—I barely breathed and the angels turned to dust.

House of Gods

every summer me and grandmother went to the village she was born in and where her numerous sisters still lived—although my great grandmother was a real sow and birthed a fuckload of children only a few lived until my birth and they were all of the female sex cause the men were all killed at war or else died stupidly—under tractor treads as a result of chronic alcoholism or fucked up by lightning. at first i didn’t really like going to the village cause i felt like a stranger among the villagers and could not find a common language with them even though many of them were my relatives by varying degrees of separation. however i was a very curious child and decided to take every chance that fate gave me to study people and their eccentricities—like it was some kind of anthropological research—after all all people are unique and unrepeatable and their lives are interesting and brief. 

the most curious person in the village turned out to be vitya malik who grandmother advised me to keep away from cause he would fuck not just anything that moved but literally anything that entered his field of vision. however when my grandmother was relaxing from village life and had drunk a little moonshine she and her sisters began to sing wild songs from their irreparably vanished youth and she couldnt give a fuck where i was or what i did so i took the opportunity to explore the landscape of the village and its inhabitants. 

vitya malik lived on the edge of the village in a half destroyed house that had not been repaired since the second world war when a fascist bomb fell on it. however it was on a slight hill that elevated it above the rest of the houses in the village and vitya enjoyed this elevation. the first time i saw vitya—a bearded and not old muzhik incredibly dirty and naked in fake leather boots—was in the small garden next to his house where grew a huge amount of burdock and hemp and other plants i didn’t recognize. i noticed vitya just as he was siding up to a sheep that bleated and struggled away from him as vitya got ready to penetrate it with the impressively large prick that swung between his legs. id never seen anybody fuck an animal so in my curiosity i forgot my fear and my grandmothers warnings to stay away from vitya and went right up to the fence on whose spikes were lots of upside down dirty jars and the skulls of domestic animals and wild birds. noticing me vitya loosened his grip and let go the unsatisfied sheep and took a step in my direction still tugging his erect organ. 

what a lovely and by all appearances city dwelling child has come to visit me—vitya said quite intelligibly and with a slight lisp—and where do such lovely children come from and uh come here and uncle vitya will show you a rainbow. 

i glanced quickly at the sky and didnt see any rainbow so i figured that in order to see one id have to either go far away or wait for it to show up which i didnt want to do alone with uncle vitya at all so i screamed a lot of curses and absolutely booked it away. without looking behind me i ran all the way to the house where my grandmother was relaxing from village life and feeling i was perfectly safe i buried myself under the hem of her skirt. 

however me and vitya soon became friends and he told me many interesting things and showed me a load of unusual places in the village that a visitor would never notice and you would only know if you lived out your whole life in one place like vitya who only left the village a couple times a year to go to the district center where they gave him papers to confirm his mental deficiency. the picturesque river backwater especially made an impression on me which vitya showed me and where in his words devils and mermaids fucked at night and where vitya himself fucked local sluts who didnt really care who fucked them as long as they didnt get their cunts tore up even if it was the devil or vitya malik.

vitya was very kind to me and i wasnt afraid of him any more and grandmother even let me go off with vitya although she always worried if i was gone too long and of course she cursed him out a little for going naked in just his fake leather boots at all times and in any weather. 

sometimes vitya was overtaken by a deep gloom or depression as city dwellers say and then he could not find his place and walked through the village like he was possessed chewing at his arm and whining like a hurt animal. when depressed vitya didnt even want to fuck and just thought about the uselessness of life or his dead mother or the angels or god. then the gloom passed and vitya loved life again and joyously fucked the village livestock and chicks and invented various stories that he loved to tell to himself and to the birds in the sky. 

on our next visit after a long break grandmothers sisters told us that vitya had gotten real bad in the head and that he thought he was gods chosen and declared his ruined hut the house of god. i immediately wanted to see it all with my own two eyes and hurried off to vityas. 

vityas house stood right where it had been before and everything else had changed a little—all around was bare and level earth as if vitya had tore up all the brush with his own hands and around the perimeter of the house were unpolished boards of various sizes leaning against the house on which vaguely human figures were drawn in charcoal that were revealed to be archangels drawn by the master of the house. inside the house across from vityas cot was placed an iconostasis with depictions of god the father god the son and god the holy spirit in the form of a dove and also the holy virgin revered in rus but with a mustache for some reason. vitya was very serious and sad he didnt even cheer up at my arrival although i was such a grateful listener to his insane stories. 

on sunday morning vitya held a celebratory service. it was the first time i saw him clothed—in a sackcloth robe wrapped around him such that occasionally his enormous prick and balls would poke out. besides me the service was attended by a few sheep and goats and a sow and a half dead cat and a dozen chickens. vitya walked with his censer around the perimeter of the house of gods and spread around us an intoxicating incense made from herbs fish scales and the excrement of wild animals. then vitya sang a prayer that he himself had written in a unique language whose only words i recognized were cunt cock and jesus christ. vityas service and really all that happened in the house of gods made a great impression on me. 

i anxiously awaited the approaching summer vacation and my next meeting with vitya which never took place. in a letter that grandmother received from her sisters on the eve of our departure they said that not long ago vitya had been found hung from a hook with a heavy wooden cross around his neck and later i learned that after vityas funeral they burned his iconostasis and smashed the house of gods to hell.

Sparrow Pussy

1.
“You mustn’t stagnate, you have to change, you have to amaze everyone, you have to get better and better,” Polina Semenovna was always driving into us. She was our homeroom teacher, a tall thin unmarried eccentric diva, somewhere between 40 and 50. 

At the end of every quarter Polina Semenovna held a class meeting where she said who had changed and how and was very upset when her gaze fell on someone who had remained as before. In order to stimulate the students who remained in one place without development, who I should point out Polina Semenovna referred to as ‘regressives’, she invented a wonderful anonymous game. 

The game was as follows: Polina Semenovna gave the last name of an unfortunate regressive, who came to the board, and their comrades seated at their desks were asked to write down on the little slips of lined paper which Polina Semenovna had passed out beforehand their thoughts and desires for their peer–to highlight their shortcomings, describe those character traits and idiosyncrasies which in their opinion the ‘regressive’, shifting from one foot to the other at the blackboard, should have gotten rid of long ago, or on the contrary to indicate those positive qualities and characteristics it was not hurting them to possess. The author was not to record their name in order to avoid any conflict and also to be sure that their critical observations were printed, not written, formulated laconically and to the point, and easy to read. The next stage was the collection of papers for which the ‘regressive’ walked through the rows with a plastic bag or a hat to collect the anonymous slips, looking like they were collecting alms at church, which for some reason was horribly pleasing to Polina Semenovna. The goal of this original procedure was that the ‘regressive’ would read the observations and desires of their classmates when they got home, analyze them, and having thought them over would find a potential within themselves which would burst outward and lead them to a new level–they would be new, unexpected, changed–and Polina Semenovna, the true and eternal slave of Change and Perfectionism, would be quite satisfied by this short and entirely unobtrusive little exercise, so that, God willing, she herself might not stagnate or regress.

Here are some of the messages written by playful little fingers on the flips torn up in service of their freedom of expression, which were shown to me when I asked or shoved aggressively in my face, as the owner tried to learn who could have written such a thing? And perhaps was it me?

Do you want to suck my dick?
Do ya have big balls?
Tammy you kin do anything an your a classy cocksucker
Your ass is too big
Do youre tits stand up like that on their own?
Are you really a fag?
Cum 2nite 2 the club ill take everyone in the pink
Do u wanna fuck Polinka?
Did u give it up to the gym teacher?
Nice bod
Great head
Cock + balls
Have you ever fucked anyone?
Retard nothing will teach you
Drunk’s daughter
Degenerate
Fag
Smelly homo
Dick
Dick in a blanket
Whoreson
Cunt
Fucking cunt
Pussy
Fucking pussy
Fucking cunt’s pussy
Fucking pussy cunt
Whore
Fucking whore
Fucked in the head nothing will teach you
Slut
Airhead
Go wash your ass
Play sport
Don’t listen to anyone
You gotta start fucking
Youre not a man
Be a man
Svetka have you slept with any boys yet?
Fat as a bomber jet
Slut
Shit
Crap
Fecal matter
Asshole
Bastard
Animal
Dung beetle
Fuck off to your ancestral homeland kike
Fucking intelligentsia
Beast
Fucking bitch
Terminal bitch
Stuck up bitch
Whore bitch
Bitch
Scum
Fried junky
Suck me off it’ll be gud
Lick my pussy
Lick my ass
I love you
I don’t like you
I’m still gonna fuck you if not this year then next
Fu
Bah
Puke
Pussy
Let’s be friends
Girl (addressed to a boy)
Dickrider
Forget em all
Prison misses you
Sportsman!
You have no brains
Where do retards like you even come from
Your mouth smells like a toilet
Are u really so smart or does it just seem like it?

2.
Tanka O., who from quarter to quarter and year to year remained on the list of ‘regressives’, a C student and really without any talents at all, without waiting or making it home, hid in the corner of the dressing room, read a few of the notes addressed to her, and broke down. A passing Polina Semenovna became interested in the scene and dragged Tanka out into God’s light, and, seeing the note in her trembling hand, understood everything, and hit the ceiling. Bending over her, Polina Semenovna began to preach in a voice that broke into falsetto:

“Tanya, you mustn’t cry, yes, I understand that you may not like what your classmates have written but you must understand them, you must listen to their opinion, you have to change, Tanya, are you listening to me, you mustn’t always remain the same, people have to grow and change, Tanya, are you listening to me, you have to change, Tanya, you have to change, you must absolutely become different than you are, you have to change, Tanya, now calm down and go home and think carefully about how you will change, you can do it, I know you can, everyone can, and you must, you absolutely have to change, well, that’s it, stop howling, that’s it, go home, Tanya, are you listening to me, I said go home–” but for some reason the more Polina Semenovna told Tanya that she had to change and that tears wouldn’t help her the louder Tanya wailed, maybe because of what Polina Semenovna was saying and maybe because Polina Semenovna without noticing was painfully prodding Tanya’s head with the bony knuckle of her long pointer finger, and then with the stone in her ring, as if she were trying to back her words up with something and hammer into the mind of this idiot ‘regressive’ an understanding of how important it is for a person to change and be other than they are. 

By the time that Polina Semenovna finally dragged the wailing Tanya out to the street and, watching her leave, nodded her head and pronounced “yes, a serious case,” the school’s cleaning lady, Evdokia Sergeevna, had found the slip of paper Tanya had discarded and read the two words written on it syllable by syllable: “Spar-row Pus-sy.” For a long time she couldn’t figure out what this might mean and wanted to ask Polina Semenovna as she returned to the building, breathing the fresh air into her smoky lungs, but the latter said sharply:

“Go home, Evdokia Sergeevna, always you’re standing around bugging your eyes at me, you have to change, every person on earth has to change, Evdokia Sergeevna, you should have changed long ago, look at me, I’m always in motion, developing, go, go home already and think very carefully about what I’ve said to you.”

Evdokia Sergeevna, sticking the slip of paper into the pocket of her torn robe anyway, squinted after the vanishing figure of Polina Semenovna and thought to herself: “What an idiot Polinka is, I’ve known her for 20 years and she’s still the same idiot.”

Bastard
On the night my parents conceived me, my maternal grandfather died, who had carried the fragments of a grenade in the right side of his chest since the Second World War and whose decaying and practically useless right lung the doctors had sliced out over the course of thirty years. On a May day eight months later, when my mother’s stomach squirmed downward, her water broke prematurely, and my flaccid body flopped out of her cunt into the dirty grey hospital light, her mother, my grandmother, lifted her heavy head toward a light of Christ knows what origin and fell instantly blind. Eye specialists could not restore her vision or give an intelligent explanation of what had happened. When I turned one year old, my other grandfather, an amateur motorcyclist, departed unfortunately from the beaten path and landed in a ditch, where he lay unconscious for an indeterminate period with his leg trapped beneath the metal, after which they had to saw it off just above the knee, and about a month later, near his groin. The day after my grandad was released from the hospital, his wife, my second grandmother, was getting ready to go to the market when she fell unexpectedly into a comatose state in which she remained for several years. When I turned three years old our dog, Naida, a vicious bitch, got lost, and a week later her wrung out flyridden body was found by our neighbors, draped over a branch with her head smashed in. At sixteen my cousin felt a sudden itch in her pussy and fucked some nice lad after which she bore a daughter with Down syndrome while she herself grew into a husky provincial sow. My other cousin, who my aunt had spawned by a gypsy baron, was fucking by thirteen, blackout drunk by fifteen, and by 25 a wet-brained terminal alcoholic. Another cousin, real pretty guy, broke the windshield on a tile truck he found in some alley, dragged them all to his basement, and started selling them off a little cheaper than in the stores. A month later they got him, held a trial, and threw him in prison, where ragged old men stole his food and fucked him up his mouth and ass. One more cousin, dreaming of a military career, went to serve in Chechnya, where he stepped on a mine in his second week and thankfully for his mother came home alive, minus his right foot and left hand. He couldn’t find work in civilian life and started drinking moonshine and exhibiting his stumps and cock to old women, trying to give them a little excitement in their old age. I was an extremely sensitive and sickly little boy, equally traumatized by visible human misfortune and by little things like rain or windy weather, which I thought could spoil the peace of humanity, whom I desperately loved. However, on the day I turned fifteen my patience wore out and my humanism turned unexpectedly to cynicism. I won’t share any more about what happened after that but I can assure you that by the age of 33 I’ve become so fucked that the people I know turn away from me in disgust, and shout curses after me, and call me a real bastard.

Softex, 2016

More than a thousand people lived in tents at Softex, an abandoned paper-towel factory on the outskirts of Thessaloniki. Surrounding it was a vast industrial landscape of warehouses, truck stops, and junkyards. The narrow road adjoining the camp had no sidewalk, and enormous trucks drove by at speeds that made crossing perilous. But a boy aged fourteen or so named Amar rode a bicycle down this road in wide circles, grinning dementedly at a group of volunteers while refusing to get out of the trucks’ way, leaving our field of vision only to presently reappear from the other direction, each time astride a new bike.

The volunteers from InterVolve had been operating out of a shipping container stocked with supplies to distribute to the migrants in Softex. InterVolve had only been in Softex for a couple of months, since the Greek government evicted the gigantic Idomeni camp at the Macedonian border, and sent its occupants to twenty-two camps scattered across northern Greece. The people currently residing at Softex were mostly Syrian, but there was a group of Algerians at the far end, by the railroad tracks, who were generally feared and referred to as “the Mafia.” InterVolve’s ostensible mandate was to distribute “non-food items,” which is human-rights jargon here signifying diapers, shampoo, soap, razors, and laundry detergent, and very occasionally clothes. They were in some kind of turf war with Save the Children over baby formula.

One Friday the volunteers from InterVolve bought tubes of red, green, yellow and blue acrylic paint and gave it to the kids to paint one of the long outer walls of the container. They’d gotten some men from the camp to paint it white beforehand, which had taken all morning. They didn’t have brushes, so they instructed the kids to put on latex gloves and paint with their hands. They were hoping for a huge mural of child-sized handprints but worried that the kids would just throw the paint at each other rather than beautify the container. This didn’t happen. At first the kids dutifully made handprints, but soon they began to really paint, swirling and smearing the colors around until they blended into a thick, earthy, layered greenish red. Finally, after the kids finished painting and got bored of blowing up the latex gloves into balloons, and after some of their parents expressed their annoyance at the volunteers because the kids’ clothes had paint all over them, and most of them didn’t have a second outfit, everyone left and the container wall looked like a gigantic Gerhard Richter abstract, standing low and incongruous against the desolate landscape of the refugee camp, which was miserably hot in late June of 2016 (and, it being Ramadan, a substantial portion of the camp was fasting until sundown, abstaining even from water).

Military police sat idly near the gate all day. Near the container there was now paint scattered here and there on the layer of hard gravel stones which covered the campgrounds. The gravel was a major source of complaint from the refugees, particularly the older ones, because when they slept all that separated them from the sharp rocks was the floor of their tents and some wooly gray blankets of which MSF had given InterVolve a gigantic quantity. But it was InterVolve that had paid to have the gravel trucked in and laid down in the first place (or perhaps InterVolve hadn’t actually had to pay for this, or for the container, or even its transport, since Nick, the surly, bearded Greek-Irishman who co-founded the organization the previous year with Chloe—a Greek-American woman with whom he continued to jointly run InterVolve despite their recent divorce—owned a shipping company) because even the gravel was better than sleeping on earth that turned into mud when it rained. This lesson had been learned in Idomeni, where most of Softex’s residents had spent the rainy season. One young Syrian man told me that when it rained in Idomeni, “my tent is like a ship.”

***

Sarah, a Palestinian-American volunteer, befriended a little girl named Sham who was two or three years old and almost never spoke. Every day she came to the container of her own accord to sit in Sarah’s lap in the container for hours, mostly expressionless, while Sarah held her and spoke gently in Arabic. Once Sarah took her to the outside of the container and asked what she thought the painting depicted. Sham identified a section of the mural, which had no apparently representational features, as “Daesh” (the Arabic acronym for the Islamic State).

When she finally began talking to Sarah of her own accord one day, it was about her new shoes, which were red and glittery. Sarah was delighted and began asking her, in Arabic, what color various objects were. Sham played along, shyly, but kept confusing the words for red and blue. Mohammed, a twenty-four-year-old Syrian refugee and core member of the InterVolve volunteer team, began playfully scolding her for getting the colors wrong, and another Syrian man joined in, and Sham became silent again. Sarah was furious and told Mohammed he was a bully. He didn’t take her seriously but stopped making fun of Sham.

Another volunteer got Sham engaged in a game where they alternated stacking their hands on top of each other, with the hand at the bottom of the pile going to the top as fast as possible. Sham’s older sister joined in and Sham started smiling and laughing—a rare event. Then Mohammed dropped a stool and it made a loud noise and Sham got scared and distracted and stopped playing.

Two Norwegian volunteers were giving out blankets from the container and a man with tattoos and long hair shaved at the sides showed up and demanded one of the plastic stools the volunteers were sitting on. The volunteers, both women, said they weren’t giving out stools at this time. He got angry and began to shout and threaten them in Arabic, which they didn’t speak. Mohammed, who was translating, finally ended the argument by handing the man one of the stools over the Norwegians’ heads. The volunteers were outraged because they had been denying stools to old ladies who clearly needed them more than this man, who was young, and this set a terrible precedent. They said they’d seen this happen already in Idomeni, where people (particularly men) had learned that they could get stuff by threatening to kill the volunteers.

Mohammed, who had joined InterVolve when he was living as a refugee in Idomeni, said he understood all these reasons, but a chair wasn’t worth getting stabbed over. “I was protecting you,” he said to the women. “He was fuckin’ high,” Mohammed kept repeating, and not in control of his actions. I asked what he was high on. “Could be weed or marijuana, I don’t know,” he said. Later that day I saw the man again in a heated argument with other refugees. As he walked away a switchblade dropped out of his pocket.

***

A major part of the InterVolve volunteers’ task was to wander around the camp and talk to people. The residents of the camp had nothing to do and gladly invited them into their tents for coffee or chai. Some volunteers spoke Arabic and some refugees spoke English, but when neither was the case, the conversation was limited to a few simple and invariable complaints. “Shob, shob,” they would say, making an exaggerated fanning gesture while repeating the word for hot. At this time the sun was unceasingly brutal and shade was scarce. On my second day at InterVolve, I was playing cards with an eleven-year-old boy on a piece of cardboard in the three feet of shadow cast by the Hellenic Red Cross’s shipping container when an old man arrived, demanded we move, and lay down on the cardboard to take a nap. It would be more than a month before InterVolve managed to distribute a fan to each tent and erect five giant wooden pavilions around the camp for shade.

Or the refugees said “namus” and made a buzzing sound, miming a mosquito flying around and then biting them. The mosquitoes were especially bad at night, when the volunteers weren’t there. People had thrown so much trash into the little river running through the camp that it was stagnant, as though dammed. Finally the military “sprayed” it, which made it a little better. Now InterVolve was distributing mosquito repellent cream and afterbite sticks. Because the mosquito repellent ran out faster, sometimes they could only give out afterbite. Later in the summer they supplied every tent with mosquito nets.

***

Eid al-Fitr began on July 6, a Wednesday. InterVolve’s plan was to distribute one set of clothes to each child in the camp under the age of thirteen by Tuesday as a holiday present. The Arabic-speaking volunteers had undertaken a survey of the whole camp to ascertain the number of kids in each tent, and their genders and clothing sizes. Such a survey had to be conducted anew before any large-scale distribution of things the refugees desperately wanted, because people constantly moved from one tent to another, or brought family members from other camps, or left Softex for another camp or to attempt to be smuggled to Macedonia (usually to return soon afterward, sometimes having been beaten by border police).

The volunteers spent Tuesday morning in InterVolve’s warehouse, ten minutes’ walk from Softex, sorting the children’s clothes into sizes and genders and then bagging them for each individual tent. As we drove back into camp to distribute the first load of clothes, a huge column of black smoke became visible from behind the old factory building. We drove around back and discovered a tent was on fire. A soldier advised the volunteers to leave the area, and we did. When we got back to the warehouse, the volunteer coordinator answered a phone call and learned a woman had been stabbed. When we went back to the camp, large groups of men were walking around brandishing sticks. The eleven-year-old I played cards with (and at whose request I’d also bought a chess set for the kids to play with) told me there had been a fight between Arabs and Kurds. I made him promise to stay safe and away from the fight but I later saw him walking with a group of solemn, angry Arab men in the direction of what seemed to be its center. Other volunteers saw groups of men holding their hands behind their backs as they walked, indicating that they were holding knives. A few Kurdish women got into taxis and left the camp. Someone said the fight had initially been over a stolen cell phone. Someone said a second person had been stabbed. For the most part the camp’s inhabitants didn’t say much about what was going on; when asked, they just repeated the word “problem” in English. Police arrived but stood by and did nothing, which by all accounts was their usual practice. Two reporters from a local news station pulled up in a car and walked in the direction of the camp with camera equipment as I was leaving. InterVolve had pulled all its volunteers out of the camp. The distribution of the kids’ clothes was postponed till the next day.

A week later, Bushra, a Palestinian-American InterVolve volunteer, was asked by someone from the military if she’d mind translating for some soldiers who were interviewing the camp’s residents for a photography exhibit the military was organizing. There were two of them: Chris, a twenty-six-year-old Thessaloniki native who was finishing his nine months of mandatory military service, and Alexander, the photographer, who’d been in the army for fifteen years. Bushra led the two of them around the camp, sometimes introducing them to people. Both soldiers were very friendly, smiling at everyone they spoke to. They had a very inefficient interviewing process: Chris would ask Bushra a question in English, then she’d ask it again in Arabic, then give him the answer, at which point he would translate it to Greek for Alexander, who didn’t speak English, before spending a long time slowly writing it down in his notebook in silence. Chris’ questions inevitably yielded uninteresting answers: he asked for people’s names, whether they had studied anything at home, where they were hoping to go from Greece.

They interviewed Samir, the seventeen-year-old manning the stand where falafels were sold for a euro,while  he first rolled a stack of pita breads, then artfully tossed them from hand to hand and cooked them on an upside-down pan over a flame. His family was in Sweden, he said, so he wanted to go there if he could. He eventually hoped to open a bakery.

Chris didn’t know what falafel was; Bushra explained.

They talked to a thirty-four-year-old former swim teacher who used to work for the Syrian government. Bushra translated: “He wants to go anywhere where his kids will be happy because it’s too late for him to be happy now.” The lines sounded canned. He took them to his tent for a photo with his family. The adult women either didn’t want or weren’t allowed to be in the photo, so only he and the kids were photographed.

Chris told Bushra he had graduated architecture school and hoped to soon emigrate to Sweden, or Scotland, where his brother was a dentist. His mother died when he was sixteen. His father had cancer; Chris was now caring for him and planned to take him with him when he left Greece. Chris seemed very interested in Bushra, and discussed “the American dream” with her. Bushra had just completed her sophomore year at UC Davis, where she was a member of Students for Justice in Palestine. When she told him she was interested in studying sustainable development, he exclaimed, “Come here, help us, please!” with his arms open wide above his head. He interviewed her, and Alexander photographed her in an open field, a sea of tents behind her across the stagnant creek.

Mohammed, a former schoolteacher, asked to be interviewed. He was here with his wife who was six months pregnant. On the inside wall of the old factory building, where he slept, he’d written a poem in huge letters, in imperfect English, about the hardships of refugee life. The soldiers decided to stage a photo of him writing in his notebook. Everything around him was dark; he was framed in sunlight writing at a table under a window. But Alexander used a flash, which I thought would ruin the photo. My friend Morley, who was standing behind Alexander and could see the digital viewfinder, later said the flash revealed how dirty everything was.

They asked a man if he knew what was on his T-shirt. He said no; like most of the clothes people wore in Softex, it was donated. Chris thought this was funny and explained to the man that he was wearing the insignia of an elite special forces unit of the Greek military.

More and more refugees desperate to tell their stories demanded to be interviewed. Besim, who sometimes helped out InterVolve volunteers (and once jokingly proposed to me in exchange for a green card), squatted by the outer wall of the factory building and insisted that the soldiers join him, saying he wanted to tell them everything. When Chris seemed hesitant, Besim, who was always laughing, told Bushra to tell the soldiers he didn’t want them to think he was laughing at them. He used to work in a flour business. He was here alone, hoping to reach Holland. He complained about NGOs who he said exploited refugees by having them tell their stories: the NGOs used these stories to get donations, but the refugees who had told them never saw the money. Besim’s brother was fighting in Syria and his father was sick and old and in Turkey. He told Chris that many refugees suffered from depression and PTSD. Sometimes he saw something on the floor and couldn’t pick it up for fear it was a bomb.

***

Chris interviewed me, too. I said I was a student at an American college which had awarded me and Morley a grant to spend the summer in Greece volunteering in camps and writing about the refugees. I wanted to interview Chris and he agreed to meet me in Thessaloniki. But I couldn’t get a hold of him until two months later, once he was already out of the army. He explained why he had been unreachable: After a coup attempt in Turkey in July, he was stationed on an island in the Aegean and forbidden from revealing his location to even his family.

It turned out that for much of his service he’d been the driver for a colonel whose job had been to inspect and coordinate between the twenty-two camps in Northern Greece. It was the colonel who had suggested that Chris do the interviews in Softex; now Chris was not sure if the photo exhibit would actually happen (it was awaiting government approval). The colonel, he said, was committed to helping the refugees. “‘We have to help them’—that was his phrase,” Chris said. It had been an honor to work for the colonel. He was the greatest person Chris had met in the army.

Chris and the colonel would visit refugee camps and survey the residents to learn about their needs: lights, clothes, food, water, toilets. Chris would write this down and the colonel took the information to his chief. In the course of conducting these surveys Chris saw people “totally destroyed from the war.” He was particularly affected by meeting a man who’d lost all his brothers and sisters. This made Chris imagine life without his older brother, the twenty-nine-year-old dentist in Scotland.

Chris said everyone in the army believed in freedom and rights. Soldiers eagerly volunteered to join any assignment that involved helping children. They thought the kids should go to school, that they deserved the chance to make their families happy. But “without money you can’t help enough,” Chris explained. “If they have money, they should not have them in all these camps.” They should be in buildings, in houses, but the army couldn’t be doing any better given the amount of money they had. For one thing, “there aren’t enough soldiers for the camps.” There were six refugee camps around Thessaloniki and only three army camps.

***

The reason Osama Arowani’s mouth looked how it did was that he was once arrested in Syria—he didn’t say why—and spent forty-eight hours in jail. Back then his beard had looked different, he explained, and on account of his resemblance to Saad Hariri, the former Lebanese prime minister, his jailers hit him in the face with the butt of a rifle. This was why most of his front teeth were false, pointing strangely inward. Otherwise he was lanky and handsome, sitting on the ground of his tent smoking a cigarette while I interviewed him and his family through a translator.

Osama left the Syrian city of Hama with his wife and two daughters because he’d been conscripted by the government, and didn’t want to join the army because three of his friends had been killed on the frontlines. In July, having spent six months in Greece and $2,300 on getting smuggled here, he decided he wanted to return to Syria, despite lacking a plan for how to do so. He said the Greeks treated their dogs better than the refugees. The refugees were like cowshit. He pointed at his daughters and asked what mistake they had made.

Earlier that day his wife Fatima had gone to Softex’s UNHCR representative and threatened to kill herself if they weren’t moved to an apartment (as was sometimes done for “vulnerable cases”). She was twenty-four years old, pregnant, and diabetic. They showed me her medical records, tattered but carefully preserved forms filled out in Greek and English, with MSF letterheads. She almost never left her tent because she got fevers and had terrible vision, symptoms of diabetes which were only made worse by the hot sun. They’d been trying for a long time to find somewhere better to live. The Greek government had offered to move the family to a different camp, two hundred kilometers away; they refused. Fatima said they didn’t survive the sea to be in tents; they came because they heard these were humane countries. Another time, some Spanish volunteers had found a house for them to live in for a month, thirty kilometers outside Thessaloniki, but the owner’s vacation ended sooner than planned and they only spent a week there. Still, these volunteers were the only people Osama said had ever helped them. The NGOs in Softex and the UN were both “useless,” he said: “We are dying slowly and nobody cares about us.”

Their seven-year-old daughter Lara, who wanted to be a doctor, had five friends. She pointed to the neighboring tent and named the ones who lived there. She didn’t regularly attend the school that InterVolve had helped establish because her parents said that rude people lived in that part of the camp, but she had been to class a few times. I asked what she had learned there. Before she could answer, her five-year-old sister Houda interrupted by shouting the ABCs at me. Then she started counting in Greek.

As our interview ended, the power cut out and the fan that InterVolve had given them switched off.

***

The tents in Softex were grouped into three clusters which InterVolve volunteers had named after Sesame Street characters. Bert, the only indoor section, was the former factory building, and more or less unbearable until InterVolve installed industrial fans and mosquito zappers in the ceiling in midsummer. Bert and either Kermit or Ernie—I don’t remember which one was which—were separated from the road by a fence whose gated entrance was guarded by the military. The third section was behind Bert, accessible from the front entrance only by a bridge crossing the ditch that ran through the entire camp. Beyond it were railroad tracks and then in the distance the protruding flare stack of an oil refinery. The tracks were in active use and on one occasion some refugees robbed a freight train that passed through. For days afterward InterVolve confiscated bottles of hair spray, which had apparently been among the loot. The only arrests I know of that were made in Softex during the three months I spent in Thessaloniki were in connection with this heist.

Journalists were not officially allowed into military-run camps; anyone except a resident of the camp was required to produce identification and a permit from the military (given mainly to volunteers) in order to pass through the front gate. In practice those who could convincingly pass for a refugee could walk right past the guards, and anyone else could come in through an unguarded hole at one end of the fence, or enter the camp from the back, which had no fence at all, and was only separated from the nearest road by a field. From there it was a twenty-minute walk to the main highway into Thessaloniki.

Not far from the camp was a prison. In August, Morley and I walked by the prison due to an accident: we’d missed the bus stop for Softex, and decided to get off and walk back rather than wait for a bus returning to the city. We were going to the camp because we’d just heard about an ongoing hunger strike at Softex. Someone had discovered that the croissants the military had been feeding the refugees (the vast majority of whom were Muslim) for breakfast were cooked with lard.

We reached the prison without knowing where we were going; we’d been walking down the road for a while in what we hoped was roughly the direction of Softex. The prison’s proximity to the camp and its presence in a landscape of interminable vacant fields and scattered construction equipment struck me as surreal, so I pulled out my cell phone and took a photo of the prison. Within a minute or two a car pulled up out of nowhere and three prison security officers emerged to inform us we weren’t allowed to take photos here. I offered to delete the photo but they confiscated my phone and ordered us to wait by the side of the road while they requested backup. They took our bags and the contents of our pockets; three police officers showed up to question us, then two more to take us to the precinct, where we were again searched and questioned.

Then we were told to wait in a different room, apparently someone’s office. In order to go to the bathroom we had to all go together. After a long silence, I asked our guard’s name. He looked startled and almost embarrassed by the question and immediately said he had nothing to do with our being detained. But we talked to him for the next hour. His name was Dimitris. He was in his early forties, had been a cop since he was nineteen, and seemed profoundly beleaguered. He complained that crime was up, and also that, due to the police force’s incomplete digitization, he now had to fill out all his records twice, on paper and online.

Dimitris believed the reason people stole and killed was simply that they had to eat, and he was sympathetic to Albanian and Georgian immigrants who committed crimes for this reason. He also sympathized with the Syrian refugees because they were fleeing war. Although he thought prime minister Alexis Tsipras was “in his own world” and making promises he couldn’t keep, he considered all Greek political parties to be the same, and ultimately equally powerless. His ire was trained most directly at former police officers who had been able to retire in their forties—a cutoff he’d just missed before recent reforms forced him to work another fifteen years—and were living off the present workforce.

After being detained for six hours, Morley and I were let go without a fine. When they gave me back my phone I found that the photo of the prison hadn’t been deleted.

***

It took almost an hour to get to downtown Thessaloniki from Softex by bus. For those who couldn’t afford the one-euro fare, it was two hours’ walk. Women and children from refugee camps almost never went to the city. One of the few occasions I saw on which they did so in large numbers was when an NGO called the Social Solidarity Clinic organized a concert by the city’s port featuring Syrian musicians, and sent buses to the many camps surrounding Thessaloniki. It was a Sunday night, in a park at one end of the long promenade by the sea, where at all times of day and night one could find buskers, strolling couples, groups of students smoking joints and hand-rolled cigarettes, tourists (mostly from other parts of Greece) taking photographs, and North African immigrants hawking electronics. At the other end of the promenade was the White Tower, which was a Byzantine fortification and then an Ottoman prison and now the city’s most recognizable monument.

The air was cool and the mood joyous as the sun set and the buses arrived from camps all over the city. A crowd formed by the water because someone was in it. Hands reached out toward the swimming body and he climbed onto the dock only to jump straight back in as a joke. When the music started, groups of young men danced dabke, holding hands in long lines and performing complicated footwork in step. Mohammed, the InterVolve volunteer, was sweaty and exhilarated. He knew all the songs but hadn’t heard music like this played live for four years, since he left Syria for Turkey, where most of his family was now. “It’s our music; we know how to dance to it,” he told me before being pulled back into the dance.

Hasan, an eighteen-year-old from the Frakapor camp, which primarily housed Syrian Kurds, wasn’t as enthusiastic about the music, but still seemed happy to be there. “Kurdish music, best music,” he explained; the performers were playing Arab songs. He was in a group of five boys whose ages ranged from sixteen to twenty, all of whom were on a soccer team together at their camp. Their arms were loosely draped over each other’s shoulders as they spoke to me, looking at each other for approval when they answered my questions. Hasan was the best English speaker in the group but didn’t know the names of the positions they played, so he drew them on a map of a soccer field in my notebook to explain. He was boyish and handsome and a little shy but liked the attention and the opportunity to demonstrate his English. The words “THA BOSS” were written in marker on his knuckles.

He said his girlfriend was still in Syria because her father wouldn’t leave. Hasan was worried about her and talked to her daily over WhatsApp. When I asked what her name was, he blushed and said his friends would make fun of him if he said it.

Many spectators had stumbled on the event while walking along the waterfront and didn’t know it had anything to do with refugees. When I told a pair of Greek college students I was writing about refugees, they said neither of them had ever seen one. I pointed to the crowd behind them and said everyone in it was a refugee. They smiled uncomfortably. One of them said to the other that he had told him so.

Fights broke out as the night wore on. Each time a commotion was heard, a crowd of men formed out of nowhere and swarmed rapidly toward its source. I didn’t see anyone get hurt. A middle-aged white woman, probably one of the volunteers, jumped into the fray, shouting in English to random men, “Stop them!” and clapping her hands to get people’s attention. Everyone ignored her.

At some point it became apparent that the buses hadn’t been sent to Softex as promised. The InterVolve volunteers who were present had come on their own, and were furious at the Social Solidarity Clinic. Parents in the camp had arranged for babysitters for their kids so they could go; the women had gotten dressed up.

Across the street from the park, after the concert ended, I met a group of seven or eight drunk middle-aged German men wearing straw Cuban hats with ribbons and matching T-shirts. They were drinking little airplane bottles of liquor. They hadn’t seen refugees, either. One said his little town in Germany seemed to have more refugees than all of Greece. They were here for a bachelor party; one of them was getting married soon. Another asked me if I could stand on my head.

***

One day in July Morley and I were at a restaurant, seated at a table on the sidewalk, when a seventeen-year-old from Softex we knew named Mohammed walked by with his friend. Mohammed spoke English with near fluency and volunteered in the camp for the Red Cross. He looked much younger than his actual age. His friend Deyar was eighteen and wore a backwards baseball cap. Deyar lived in the city with his family, in the apartment of a Greek woman who’d taken them in. Mohammed told us he often took the bus to the city to hang out with Deyar. I asked what they did for fun; Mohammed replied, “Look for bitches.” They told me Deyar once “got some” (but didn’t have sex) by telling a Greek girl he was American.

Morley asked them what they thought of the volunteers.

“Assholes,” Deyar said immediately.

Then, maybe remembering that we were volunteers, they hedged: only some were assholes. But some, Mohammed said, were only here to prove that they were humans. “We are humans! We are humans!” he mockingly chanted, waving his hands in the air.

Deyar said the only difference was that the volunteers wanted to be here but the refugees didn’t.

We struck up a friendship with the two of them, and began to see them around town; downtown Thessaloniki was dense but small enough that you saw the same people all the time, especially in summer, when the university students left. Within a couple of weeks, everyone in Deyar’s family except him was smuggled to Germany. It would take him another two months, and many attempts, to successfully join them. In the meantime he enjoyed his freedom by staying out late and wandering around the city with Mohammed, who lived with his mother and younger sister in Softex. The boys were obsessed with sex and spoke of women in vulgar terms (“big-booty bitches” etc.). Mohammed’s handle on WhatsApp was “the lost refugee.”

***

For ten days in mid-July, a group of several thousand activists, mostly anarchists, from around Europe staged “No Border Camp,” an occupation of the campus of Thessaloniki’s main university. They slept in tents and broke into the classrooms of the philosophy and law schools to host lectures, workshops and panels, as well as outdoor concerts, plays and performances. In protest of the existence of borders and nations, they invited refugees from the nearby camps to participate. Mohammed and Deyar naturally gravitated toward the event but retained their entertaining cynicism when asked about it. Deyar thought it was ridiculous that volunteers who he knew for a fact to have apartments were sleeping in tents, like refugees in a camp. He said they were “acting,” trying to be “humans.”

Deyar, who was Syrian Kurdish, had lived in both Damascus and a smaller city east of Aleppo. In Damascus he heard gunshots every night; in his hometown he often felt the whole ground shake after bomb blasts. Once he was traveling back there from Damascus and encountered fighting between ISIS and government forces. He was terrified and ran away.

One night there was a performance of Coriolanus at No Border Camp, in Greek. Deyar and I watched it together. He mock-translated the dialogue for me from a language neither of us knew, scripting extempore an elaborate drama about a cheating wife. A confrontation between two men onstage became a fight between two friends over a woman who was standing off to the side with another man, who Deyar said was her brother, protecting her, insisting that neither of the other two could touch her.

On the same day, I asked Mohammed if I could interview him. He refused and gave three reasons why: first, he didn’t like cameras (though I didn’t have one); second, “I like to be mysterious;” and third, no one would listen if he told his story. I said no one listens if you don’t say anything. Immediately he asked: Who was listening to the Kurds who want their own country? And who was listening to Mohammed’s people, the Palestinians, who’d been fighting for seventy-five years? Mohammed’s family was expelled from Palestine in 1948, and his grandfather had lived in a refugee camp.

***

Mohammed volunteered for the Red Cross as a member of their “hygiene promotion” team alongside Noor, a friendly, easygoing young man who lived in Softex. Noor explained to me that their duties consisted of monitoring the toilets and sinks with a clipboard and checking boxes next to the names of people who washed their hands, as well as cleaning up when people shit on the floor. Recently he’d caught a kid in the act of doing this, presumably just to piss Noor off. He grabbed the kid’s arm, but the kid’s father saw this and started beating Noor up. Noor tried to explain to him that his son had shit on the floor. The dad said next time he hoped he’d shit in Noor’s mouth.

Mohammed was first chosen by the Red Cross because of his fluent English, but he didn’t actually use English in his work with them. I asked him how being a volunteer for the Red Cross had changed his status among the other refugees. “They think we’re criminals, we’re thieves,” he said. “It’s shit, to be honest.” People were jealous. I asked if he was paid. He refused to answer, and became touchy, then insisted he’d do the work even if they didn’t pay him and that he might even do it better if not for the pay.

The Red Cross volunteers who lived in the camp were supervised by a soft-spoken Ismaili Muslim named Ali Ahmad. They spent much of their free time in the large white Red Cross tent, idly chatting or listening to music. They ate a meal together for Eid al-Adha, meat and rice from the military which they cooked on a portable stove in the Red Cross tent with their own chopped onions and spices.

Ali told me the only protest he attended in Syria was at a funeral at a cemetery at the bottom of a big hill (they called it a mountain but it’s not, he said). The mourners were shot at by police. He remembered bullets landing just feet from him. Someone died. Another man had a bullet pass clean through his neck, in one side and out the other—Ali mimed—but miraculously he was fine. It bypassed everything important. Then a couple months later, the guy died in a car crash.

At the time I was friendly with the Red Cross volunteers, they were all male. But in late August, when I taught English lessons at a community center in downtown Thessaloniki, I learned that one of my students, a forty-year-old woman named Haima, had until recently lived in Softex and been part of the Red Cross volunteer team. When I mentioned I was friends with Mohammed (the teenager), she said he’d scolded her for visiting No Border Camp. I tried to apologize for him, saying he was arrogant but young. She laughed it off and credited it to Arab views about women.

When I met her in a cafe to interview her, she was reading a book in English called Sex, Politics and Society by Jeffrey Weeks, which she’d picked up at the nonprofit where she received English lessons. Her English was good but, I would have imagined, hardly sufficient to read an academic study on the history of sexuality. She was only a few pages in but what she’d already read was carefully annotated. She’d been using Google Translate to understand it.

She was Alawite, from a village in the north of Syria where before the war she’d spent two years working for a newspaper, conducting interviews about “social subjects.” She started thinking women should be free when she was young and saw her mother being oppressed by what she called the “male mentality.” Her father was good to her mother, but “habit” made him conform to male mentality. So Haima started to read widely, particularly philosophy and psychology. Her brothers responded to her views about women with sarcasm, as did her sisters, who she said were “more closed than my brothers,” because “women in our culture have more male mentality than men.” They just wanted to make men satisfied; they saw their suffering as happiness. Around this time Haima also became an atheist.

Once the war started she couldn’t do anything she wanted, and spent all day reading. She had a job typing up books for a university library and made enough money to get to Turkey. There, she worked for three months sewing in a shop with fifteen other people to pay to be smuggled to Greece by boat. The boat trip was “the most terrible journey” but she enjoyed the view.

She came to Greece expecting “another life, freedom”; she wanted to learn to play the piano, study psychology, and someday write about her journey from Syria. But on arrival, she found less freedom than she’d had at home, where she’d had friends who didn’t wear the hijab. “It’s so dangerous” to be a woman in a refugee camp, she explained, because of the threat of rape. (A female InterVolve volunteer told me the women she’d spoken to didn’t leave their tents at night even to go to the bathroom for fear of being assaulted.) Haima said no one in the camp respected her, because she didn’t wear a hijab, and because she touched and hugged and laughed with her male friends, and because she didn’t pray (she explained that Alawites believed it was acceptable for women not to pray because they were the property of men who could pray for them and take them to paradise). Men would “try to touch” her and women wouldn’t let their husbands talk to her because she was an “easy woman.” A few of them eventually changed their behavior when they realized she spoke English and could help them.

I learned from Ali Ahmad, who was more than a decade Haima’s junior, that the two of them had met on their first day in Greece. Both lived first in Idomeni, then Softex, and both were from minority Shiite sects. Haima said they became as close as a brother and sister. But their friendship ended when she began working for him. She put this down to the fact that she was a woman; Ali said she wasn’t good at being part of a team.

***

Once, when I ran into Mohammed in Softex, he explained to me that I was an American spy whether I knew it or not, because I was investigating things and writing it all down in my notebook (he pointed).

Later he took to calling me and Morley “fuckin’ racist Americans.” If we asked why, he said simply, “Because all Americans are racist.”

One evening in late August Mohammed and Deyar called to ask me where I was, demanding that I send them a pin with my location. I was working at a cafe and they soon showed up and started talking about their lives. I learned Deyar had tried to leave Greece fourteen times in total. Some of these attempts were by air: a smuggler gave him a fake passport with the understanding that Deyar’s family would pay him back if he succeeded in making it to Germany. This is how his mother got there. Before that, they had tried several times to cross via Macedonia through the jungle. Some of these attempts were by car, if the smuggler had one; others were by foot. The last time they tried, they walked for sixteen days until his mother broke her foot near the Serbian border. They had to call the police for help, knowing they would be sent back.

By a wild coincidence, Deyar’s family and Mohammed’s father both happened to be living in the German city of Hanover. But Mohammed’s father was still awaiting asylum, while Deyar’s family had already received it. Mohammed’s father wouldn’t let him and his family get smuggled out, insisting that they rely upon the official relocation process. This was because they didn’t have enough money for fake passports (which cost thousands of euros); if they left, it would have to be through the jungle. But Mohammed said if it were up to him he’d try.

At some point in the conversation, Mohammed abruptly began speaking in a pantomime of broken refugee English, and started to tell me a story about something that had happened at the camp. “Big problem yesterday in Softex. Big problem,” he said, mixing Arabic and English, exaggerating his accent, as though frustrated by his inability to adequately convey what had happened. In faux exasperation, he switched completely to Arabic and made Deyar translate while he recounted in bits and pieces a fight he said took place the day before. When Deyar’s translation was inadequate Mohammed would scold him and insist that he relay exactly what Mohammed was telling him.

Mohammed said one of the guys who sold cigarettes and other small merchandise from a table in the factory building had a sister who hung out with another group of guys. Angry about this, he insulted one of their sisters: “Fuck her.” They came by and grabbed him. The man whose sister was insulted slapped him across the face even though a friend was telling him not to. Mohammed, meanwhile, was just eating peanuts in a corner watching the ensuing fight. The man’s table of wares was destroyed. He got vibrations in his brain and wound up in the hospital.

Ten minutes into the story Deyar got fed up and said he was done translating. Still in character, Mohammed shouted at him in Arabic that they were paying him to be a translator.

I didn’t know if the story was true but I gradually came to realize Mohammed was performing a satire of an interaction he understood well, one between refugee and journalist mediated by Arabic-speaking translator. The refugee tailors his story to appeal to the journalistic obsession with violence, and plays up the childlike innocence of the peanut-eating observer.

Finally Mohammed dropped the act, lost the accent, and said everyone in the camp thought of her as a whore.

A few weeks later, Deyar was successfully smuggled to Germany and reunited with his family. Around the same time, some journalists from the New York Times stopped by the Red Cross clinic at Softex and Mohammed called them “fuckin’ racist Americans,” and they hired him as a translator.

“I Want to Kiss Ringo Goodbye,” and other diaries

Hugh Musick produced the following stories and accompanying artworks in 2022, in 3.5″ x 5.5″ Moleskine notebooks. The three works — I want to Kiss Ringo Goobye (acrylic and tissue paper), Existential Samurai Noir Cinema (oil paint), and Insuring Against the Unexpected (acrylic) are part of a broader collection produced by the artist which contains several hundred such notebooks, each of them with original stories and art.

I Want to Kiss Ringo Goodbye

Existential Samurai Noir cinema

Insuring Against the Unexpected

Posted in Art

Eden or Atlantis?: A review of the Computer History Museum

The Computer History Museum is around the corner from Google headquarters in Mountain View, California. Actually it is just about the only thing that can be said to be around the corner from Google headquarters, which takes up almost the entirety of an enormous office park sandwiched between a ten-lane freeway and the San Francisco Bay. The museum’s building is unassuming, like most of the web of clean, quiet glass-and-concrete structures that stretches north from San Jose and from which much of the American empire is administered. Its main permanent attraction is a roughly chronological sequence of twenty small exhibits, starting with the abacus and ending with the internet. The whole thing can be absorbed in tolerable detail in around four hours, and half that time is enough for a general overview.

The CHM is the inheritor of a collection of artifacts that was begun in the late Sixties, when it was already clear to the authors of the computer revolution that what they were doing would be worth memorializing some day. In its current form, however, the museum dates to a major renovation in 2011, funded by a roster of familiar Silicon Valley companies and foundations. Since then, the political and cultural meaning of the museum’s subject matter has changed a great deal, while the museum itself has seemingly changed very little.

If you have been keeping up with the Twitter and NYT op-ed page discourse on these matters, you might now expect me to write in an appropriately disapproving tone that the CHM conveys the naïvely utopian vision of the internet that prevailed during Barack Obama’s first presidential term. In fact, this is what I expected to find when I first visited the museum, but I was not exactly right. It is true that the CHM is oblivious to nearly all the currently fashionable worries about the consequences of the computer revolution—fake news, radicalized incels, social media addiction, shortening attention spans, data harvesting, mimetic behavioral contagion, etcetera. But neither does it partake in the slack-jawed optimism that many of its principal funders were eagerly projecting in public around the time of the renovation. I and those of my generation without any special interest in the inner workings of computers have always experienced Silicon Valley first of all as a looming edifice of para-political power: a network of institutions that, like the government, are too big to see clearly as they alternately nurture and exploit us. The CHM showed me another, very different side of this cradle of digital modernity—the side that is most obvious to the programmers themselves, I imagine. 

A computer, I learned at the CHM, is a device that receives an informational input and then performs some pre-specified series of operations (a program) that issue either in an action or in an informational output. The first part of the museum’s main exhibit is devoted to computers from before the electronic age: counting sticks, abacuses, slide rules, and a partial replica of the nineteenth-century mathematician Charles Babbage’s “difference engine,” a vast mechanical apparatus that could perform the laborious work of calculating tables of logarithms and trigonometric functions. 

The difference engine, which required a vast quantity of expensively engineered metal parts, was not built in Babbage’s lifetime, and complex mechanical computing seems to have remained a theoretical curiosity until around the time of World War II. At that point it became clear that high-speed calculating devices that could be programmed—i.e., that could be given different sequences of functions to execute—would be useful for calculating artillery trajectories. Researchers made use of new electronics research and precision engineering methods to build electronic calculating devices, which worked faster than their mechanical analogues and performed far more complex operations. The CHM has a few imposing fragments of the first electronic computer, ENIAC, which was designed for calculating artillery firing tables. A different program on ENIAC was used to test the viability of an early design for the thermonuclear bomb.

These early computers were enormous, hugely expensive, and built to realize the purposes of the state: making war first of all, but also simulating complex social and economic processes for the purpose of exercising centralized administrative control. (To the intellectuals of the period who understood human behavior as finally mechanistic, the computer’s capacity for simulation held out the promise of a perfected social science and perhaps also an infallible statecraft.) The shadowy hulk of ENIAC, with its ranks of vacuum tubes, communicates very effectively the menacing power of those early machines; Orson Welles was quite right to insert one into his chiaroscuro 1962 adaptation of Kafka’s Trial.

The museum devotes a good deal of space to the shrinking of the computer, which, like other technical advances that seem inevitable in retrospect, required much ingenuity from many people. The glittering silicon wafer, etched with a million microscopic circuit patterns, is nothing more than the successor to Babbage’s columns of clicking wheels. Shrinking changed everything: as computers got smaller, cheaper, and more accessible, the Kafka era in computer culture ended. (Needless to say, the Kafka era in computing is still very much with us.) But what followed? 

According to one—true—account, the Kafka era was succeeded by what I am inclined to call the Stewart Brand era, after the digital impresario and man-about-Silicon-Valley who probably did more than anyone else to fix the meaning of personal computing in the American public’s imagination. Brand was not a computer man but an ideas man, bursting with big thoughts about how compact, inexpensive computers could change civilization. He is the central character in Fred Turner’s From Counterculture to Cyberculture, which tells the story of the links between the Bay Area’s two great contributions to late modernity: the drugs-and-DayGlo experimentation of the Sixties and the computer revolution. Brand had been part of the Ken Kesey crowd in the Sixties; he helped to organize Kesey’s LSD-soaked Trips Festival, which inaugurated the Age of Aquarius in Haight-Ashbury. Later he founded the Whole Earth Catalogue, a literary-minded compilation of resources for back-to-the-land communalist types.

According to Turner, Brand thought the computer could help to decentralize power by making it easy for ordinary people to access complex information and build lateral networks. He and his associates, influenced by the cybernetic and systems theories of figures like Norbert Wiener and Gregory Bateson, envisioned the cosmos as a computer: a system of integrated and self-regulating systems that responded spontaneously to informational inputs. Personal computing would accelerate the exchange of information and create a denser and more efficient web of connections. Carefully planned, hierarchical orders of direction and control would be replaced by self-regulating networks. In other words, Brand painted the computer as the fulfillment of the complex and perhaps contradictory dream of the Sixties: personal liberation and deep community. 

Turner talks about a process of “legitimacy exchange” between counterculturalists and coders: the hippies helped the geeks look cool, while the geeks helped the hippies look smart. If you know what to look for at the Computer History Museum, you can find the traces of legitimacy exchange on the computer products of the Seventies, Eighties, and Nineties. Apple in particular branded itself as countercultural and antiauthoritarian: the bright colors, the casual dress at keynotes, the “1984” ad with the woman throwing a sledgehammer at Big Brother. Steve Jobs was obsessed with Dylan and the Beatles and dated Joan Baez. Meanwhile, the CHM nods at how other Silicon Valley companies like Xerox PARC started bringing beanbag chairs and ping pong tables into the office and giving employees unstructured time to work on high-risk, high-reward projects. 

We know where this story goes next. The “Don’t Be Evil” era dawned, bringing Web 2.0, surveillance capitalism, Apple’s spaceship-fortress in Cupertino, indentured servants on H1B visas, million-dollar sheds in Sunnyvale, Amazon warehouses, predictive policing, Big Brother in every pocket, the Metaverse. MacBooks went gunmetal-gray and that sleek Steve Jobs design suddenly started looking sort of fascist. Beanbag chairs at work turned into free dinner at work, which turned into work as an immersive and totalizing environment that the ideal engineer never leaves. Brand was right that computers would create dense lateral connections for the rapid transfer of information, but what he didn’t understand was that this meant consolidation, not decentralization: big networks require big capital to create and maintain, and whoever owns the infrastructure controls what happens on the network and whatever it generates. Or maybe Brand understood this all too well: after all, the major project of his post-Whole Earth years was the Global Business Network, a futurist consulting firm for megacorporations. He also co-founded and still helps to run the Long Now Foundation, which seems to be a vehicle for tech billionaires to undertake grandiose projects that will live on after them—for example, a giant ten-thousand-year clock that Jeff Bezos is building inside a mountain in Texas. This sort of thing is alluring in its own way, but it is not exactly what the communalists of the Sixties had in mind. 

Neither Turner (who published From Counterculture in 2006) nor the CHM tells this story, but to my mind one can draw a straight line between the utopianism of the Stewart Brand era to the world-historical dread of the “Don’t Be Evil” era. The Brandians wanted to build globe-spanning, self-administering networks that would simultaneously regulate human order on a grand scale and provide individuals with the kind of care and connection they were longing for in the Sixties. That is exactly what the algorithmic giants are gradually doing. Google plugs you into a vast web linking human and machine, but like the monotheists’ God, it is also personal: the algorithm knows what you need before you ask it. 

The most interesting thing about the Computer History Museum is that it is almost completely oblivious to Brandian utopianism. (I was on the lookout for Brand references in the museum, but I found only one, a mention of a Rolling Stone article he wrote about an early computer game.) I have spent most of this article talking about what the CHM is not. Here is what it is: a beautiful tribute to a long line of noble and free-spirited tinkerers that goes back to Charles Babbage. The programmer comes to light at the CHM as a cross between a carpenter and a poet; writing code is making a world out of words. 

Thus one of the museum’s exhibits features videos of two famous programmers—Don Knuth, author of a magisterial text called The Art of Computer Programming, and the Netscape and Mozilla veteran Jamie Zawinski—talking about the experience of writing computer code. Knuth, a gentle and eccentric Wisconsin Lutheran who is now in his eighties, seems close to being overcome by emotion as he talks about his first forays into programming. “It didn’t occur to me that I had to program in order to be a happy man,” he says. “Adding a couple of lines to my program gave me a real high. It must be the way poets feel, the way musicians feel.” In another video, he adds, “It was love at first sight. I could sit all night with that machine and play with it.” Zawinski, more didactic, less childishly delighted, still communicates some of the same thrill of creation as he describes his art. “In a lot of ways, computer code is like prose,” he says. “Elegant code is just like a really well-written paragraph. … It’s about style.” Knuth agrees, even seeming to suggest that his intended audience is man as much as machine: “I just want it to be elegant in a way that hangs together so that somebody can read it and smile.”

From Brand’s world-historical point of view, the flowering of personal computing in the latter part of the twentieth century was a vital step in the emergence of a cybernetic novus ordo seclorum. The Computer History Museum portrays that era quite differently: as the opening of a new field of compulsively pleasurable puzzles. There is a reason why the computer geek, the pimpled monomaniac who gives his life to the esoteric joys of coding, has become a recognized type, and it is not just because work with computers pays well. And there is a reason why the humble garage has such an important place in the mythos of Silicon Valley. The personal computer gave a generation—or rather, the small part of a generation that caught the bug and learned to code—the ability to build big things without having to struggle against gross immovable matter. It opened a new sphere for human initiative and creativity that could, once computers became small and cheap enough, be accessed easily by a driven and capable teenager.

I had to learn a bit of coding myself recently, and I got a taste of the flow state that I suppose those teenagers started to discover during the advent of personal computing. I find reading and writing work satisfying in some ultimate sense, but the doing of it is slow and uneven. Sometimes a text unfolds itself to me, or the sentences I need to write come in a rush; sometimes the page repels me and I have to take long breaks or spend quarter-hours going over and over the same lines. When I was coding, however, I discovered that I could concentrate for hours on end late into the night, lengths of consecutive time far exceeding anything I’ve been capable of in my work before or since. The succession of small puzzles, the cycle of tinkering, testing, tinkering, improving, generates a continual stream of chemical rewards, or, in less reductionist terms, an enlivening feeling of incremental progress in the face of meaningful challenge. I also felt some of the stylist’s pride alluded to by Knuth and Zawinski: a sense that my code had a distinct prosody that marked it as mine and that the little immaterial devices I was building bore my imprint.

The hostile interpreter will give this experience a sinister cast: maybe the machines are programming us, maybe the flow state is a chemical displacement from reality as vicious as any drug-induced stupor, maybe the allure of coding is a temptation to a vast and terrible thoughtlessness. Still, there is something richly human about this kind of work, which is not unlike older, more material forms of tinkering. Coding may not call on our most sophisticated deliberative faculties, but whatever building-and-fixing capacity it does engage seems just as deeply worked into us.

The delight of exercising this capacity, not the dream of civilizational transformation and world domination, seems to have animated the Homebrew Computer Club, the Silicon Valley hobbyist group that became the incubator for many of the big names in the later computer industry. The club, which receives an extended treatment in the CHM’s later exhibits, started in yet another Silicon Valley garage, and its anarchic spirit proved difficult to reconcile with the profit motives generated by the computer revolution. As one founding member explains in a museum video, “People who had software would come with a bag full of paper tapes and throw them into the audience to anybody who wanted them. This was sometimes software that they had written, sometimes software that they had found or appropriated or stolen from somebody else. The same was true of hardware.”

Some of those paper tapes contained software written by none other than the young Bill Gates, who expressed his displeasure in “An Open Letter to Hobbyists” that was published in the club’s circular. In retrospect, Gates’s “Open Letter” looks like an emblem of a culture clash between the partisans of computing for the sake of computing and the empire-builders of Microsoft and its competitors. The latter were right to this extent: it would not have been possible to build world-spanning systems of information exchange while respecting the anarchist ethos of the Homebrew Computer Club. Without vast accumulations of capital, economies of scale, and central organs of coordination, it is hard to imagine how personal computing could have reached as many people as it has.

But the hobbyists would not have cared. Don Knuth, for whom programming was a work of love, thought that software should not be patented for the same reason mathematical theorems should not be patented: both, he believed, should be made freely available for others to build on. Though most of the CHM is devoted to the products of large corporations rather than the tinkering of the Homebrew types, its spirit is the Homebrew spirit. The story it tells is about clever people finding fulfillment through the application of creative intelligence to immediate practical problems. This story is perhaps partly or wholly a lie, a screen for a Faustian project of consolidating power or at least making unthinkable sums of money. But the story’s appeal, the glories of the Don Knuth era, are worth trying to understand, if only as a partial answer to the question of why the cleverest people of our time have shown themselves over and over to be childishly oblivious to the most vital problems of politics.

The second time I visited the museum, I brought a friend who was visiting from out of town. That evening he and I hiked up to a hilltop overlooking the cradle of digital modernity. Behind us were green hills rolling down to the Pacific shoreline, the utter West. Far to our left, the towers of San Francisco glimmered faintly silver in the evening light. From some unseen campfire to our right we heard the gentle strains of a guitar. In front of us was what looked like a pleasant wooded valley dotted with bucolic villages, inhabited, no doubt, by a virtuous race of herdsmen and craftsmen, living in peace with the land and one another, marrying and giving in marriage, handing down ancient traditions around their hearths. That idyllic vision and its power over the human heart are perhaps not so far from the vision of the good life that we glimpse at the Computer History Museum.

Landscapes at Speed

“The idea is the observation of a fact. Today we live in a period of extreme instability—political instability, moral instability, social instabil­ity, and even physical instability. The world around and inside us is unsta­ble. I am making a film on the instability of feelings, on the mystery of feelings. These characters find themselves on an island, in a rather dra­matic situation; a girl in the party is lost. They start to look for her. The man who loves her should be worried, upset, anxious. And, really, at the beginning, he is. But then, slowly, his feelings grow weaker, because they have no strength. And he doesn’t want to look for her; by then he isn’t worried about it. He is attracted by other feelings, by other ‘adventures,’ by other experiences just as unsteady and unstable.”
— Michelangelo Antonioni, The Architecture of Vision

1. 
In the opening sequence of Michelangelo Antonioni’s Red Desert, Giuliana (Monica Vitti), in a visible panic, buys a wilted-looking half-eaten sandwich from a striking laborer and begins to devour it after trying to pawn it off on her young son.

The scene has an opacity characteristic to Antonioni, and especially to his use of Vitti, whose inscrutability is among her great strengths. Vitti is desperate to buy the sandwich but apparently not particularly hungry. Everyone involved, including her young son, seems utterly puzzled by her behavior. What is going on here? Is Vitti searching for connection? Trying to find a way into interaction? I think probably the answer is simpler: she just didn’t think of eating until the moment that she saw the sandwich. 

2. 
In the summer of 2019, I moved to Utah to learn to plant sage and cut trails. During the next twenty-four months, I spent a frigid night driving around the South Dakota prairie, shining a fishing light into the scrub, trying to catch the eyeshine of the park’s population of endangered black-footed ferrets. I stayed with an aunt on the central coast of California for a while, doing menial internet piecework and taking long hikes up into the hills, then drove back to the mountains of Colorado to farm with some permaculturists. In the spring of 2020, I watched gas drop below two dollars a gallon during a long and lonely trip home on the wrong side of the Wasatch range. 

At first due to my job and then for some other reason, I was always moving. I drove through basins in the high mountain country so dense with smoke that it was never brighter than twilight. I saw a brushfire on the side of the road, five feet from the highway, men spread around it in a tableau in the attitudes of work, one with a hose, all oddly still. I watched a dust storm coming up Owens Valley, over the Coso Range and then sweeping into town and out of town, down towards Manzanar. I took the Inyokern to Lancaster line and was alone on the bus, both ways. On the way back, a man showed up in an unmarked white van, idled by the bus stop. I waited and watched. The bus was very late. Eventually, I walked up and asked him if this van was in fact not a van but the bus. He was reproachful, fatherly: yes, he was about to leave. I would have been stranded. Why hadn’t I asked earlier? 

No one else got on the whole ride back. But he wasn’t lying. It was just that no one wants to go to Lancaster by bus.

3. 
The sort of moment-to-moment existence in which one ends up begging to buy half-eaten meals off day laborers has its own self-perpetuating inertia. With four months left before I returned, through my graduate program, to a world of structure and shared experience, I developed an intense dislike of making plans and devoted all my energies to keeping the future open. I would think ahead not even one hour. After I left the trail crew, I drove interstate between temporary jobs and often slept in my car, which made settling noises, distant metal creaks, all night long. I slept the vigorous sleep of a person who can’t even begin to have concerns.

It is an exaggeration to say that during my two years working odd jobs in the desert, I felt no desire more lasting than the desire to have a sandwich or to see what was beyond the next hill. That in such a state the possibility of wanting something further in the future than lunch, of desiring a life beyond the reach of the next hill, simply cannot occur. But probably not more than a bit. 

I have dazzling snapshot memories from that time. The way the wash fell away from the mountain range halfway between Zion and Las Vegas, and that the other side of the basin was as far away from me as anything has ever been. A flock of wild geese overhead as the rain threatened on the Dakota plains. A lake which wore its shining ripples so lightly that they in turn might blow away at any moment, leaving a solid pane of glass. Always something out of the corner of my eye, in transit. 

There are directors for alcoholics, for gamblers, for sex addicts, big-hearted American career men and women, for NYC gallery assistants, for connoisseurs of masculinity in all its variations, and for sentimental dads. During this time, Michelangelo Antonioni was for me.

4. 
Antonioni used an unexplained disappearance of a character or thing either as a signature or a crutch. It served him so well, however, because he had a gift for the cinematic version of a sort of sleight of hand: the orchestrated version of displacement, perhaps something analogous to the unsettling familiar. He understood the delicate balance one must walk in order to provoke a feeling of loss and disorientation which sticks and sticks.

Watching L’Avventura, for example, one is particularly struck by the way that the camera follows the characters, by his supreme patience. We trail Vitti’s Claudia as she traverses the landscape of the island where her friend Anna disappears on a summer outing, and feel we are watching her search unfold in real time, privy to her every moment. The camera is the patient cataloger of everything under the sun. It recognizes that there is no mystery without the careful inventory of clues, bringing forth the sense that we have entered into a world in which it is reasonable to seek answers.

In the first part of the movie, we watch Claudia and Sandro, Anna’s fiancé, slowly realize how completely and without a trace Anna has disappeared. In the second half the two engage in a sort of disorganized wandering search, in which the vanished woman seems always to be around the next corner, just outside the frame. After a while, however, the search transforms into a shiftless drifting through the Italian countryside, the vanished friend forgotten, the two protagonists who replace her orbiting one another with vaguely amorous intentions.  Midway through, they arrive at an inexplicably abandoned town, search, and leave. After their exit, the camera, in a movie full of still takes, drifts forward slightly from out of an alley. The cameraperson is walking up behind them. At this moment, the movie is genuinely frightening. 

Claudia and Sandro do not find Anna and seem, very quickly, to give up looking. We move from one mystery, the mystery in which Anna is involved, to a second-order mystery about narrative, struggling to put together the pieces we have been given. We try and fail to assign motive to these people, to understand how a person can disappear from the arc of a story without repercussion. How can this have happened?

5.
Antonioni’s films are shot through with disappearance, built around it. In L’Avventura there is a ghostly film, existing alongside the film we actually have, in which the mystery of Anna’s disappearance is solved or simply mourned properly. In a way, the emotional core exists in this secondary film; the primary film would fly to pieces without it. But it is essential for the sanctity of the secondary film that no part of it appears on camera. 

The same structure is echoed, perhaps most famously, in Blow-Up, which is almost entirely occupied with a completely fruitless exploration by a photographer (Luke Hemmings) of what he thinks is a murder captured in the distance of one of his photographs. The murder, the fulcrum around which the movie revolves, retains its gravity by appearing only at a distance, in a photograph which is later stolen.

6.
Writing on Baudelaire, Walter Benjamin tells us that with the quickening transformation of modernity comes the thinning out of the deep river of experience and memory, times that eat away at the common world and the rituals that act as handles for us to grasp, around which we can order our perception of aesthetic value. In these times, what could have been the story of a life becomes a series of unordered episodes. There is no artistic motion more representative of this than that of Hemmings’ acquisitive operation of the camera in Blow-Up as he shoots reams of photographs of interchangeable models: the production of all of these disposable images, fit for perpetual reproduction, reinterpretation, re-interpolation. 

In our and Benjamin’s world of flux, where each thing can be re-understood and recreated, the experience of beauty, which must have an unchangingness, develops a necessary structure. Aesthetic objects attain their permanence, their distance and impenetrability, by slipping from our view. This is their only way of reaching the distance at which art must stand from the viewer. The best thing that could happen to a photograph is for it to be stolen. Monica Vitti’s Claudia, fit to be seen and understood, is lovely, but the true beauty is Anna, who is gone.

 “It is a farewell forever,” Benjamin writes on Baudelaire, “which coincides in the poem with the moment of enchantment.” Later, he remarks on Baudelaire’s object of love that “one might not infrequently say that it was spared, rather than denied, fulfillment.”

7.
In the last leg of my two-year journey, I took long drives out into the foothills of the San Juans in Colorado, and then into the mountains themselves. I was frightened because the hills seemed alive with people who had abandoned their jobs to live in tents and cars and under the open stars, whose encampments were at the side of every river, and I did not know where they had come from or where they were headed. I played games with myself, saying that I would stop and take a photograph in five minutes, thirty, at the next town, at 3 p.m. I did not stop at all. 

At night, I read ferociously about lost and abandoned mines, about the warrens under the prairie at Wind Cave National Park, where I had cut trails for a month, savoring the names of the caves: “The Flatlands,” “Forty Mile Hall,” “Beyond the Green Door, What the Hell Lake.” The best thing about Wind Cave is that they believe that only a small fraction of it has been explored.

A search has a capacity to forever transform a place. Each site, each thing, seen at a distance, can never be seen again in the same way. Beauty does not outlive the moment in which it is shocking and new.

8.
We are standing in a field on a moonless, starless night. It is as if the field in which we stand is enclosed within some further cave. We are wandering through an array of intricate wooden statues with buckets of kerosene and matches. We are drenching the statues in kerosene and dropping matches on them. As they burn, we are watching. The world of human actions is always coming up anew; it cannot be exhausted; this is not the case with the world of things. When we see a statue we like, we cannot gesture for our friends to come around, because they burn so quickly. We will not see them again. This field of statues is large; no one has checked to see if it is boundless.

9.
In the dark field of my own memory, I am awakening in a crowded bunkhouse in the warm dark, back in South Dakota. Outside it is cold, early October, pitch black. We are going about the business of dressing and eating, hurried in the hospitable dark. Driving up into the hills, everyone drops from the breakfast-table chatter into silence. Soon, we are staggering through the basin, carving out a trail. The work is difficult, monotonous. 

As I remember it, the prairie at the arrival and departure of the sun is the best of places. It is often hard to love, swarmed with gnats and shadowed by biting rain. But now the sun is coming up. We are down in the canyon and it is bathing the far wall in intolerable golden light. We are going through the tall grass that lines the river and our boots are filling with water. I am cutting saplings with a handsaw. We are doing our work on the canyon, changing it. It will never again open up to us in the way it did as we turned the corner this morning. In any case, I will not return. I miss it dearly. 

10.
At the end of Blow-Up, Hemmings, in transient community with a group of yardbirds who have followed him throughout the movie, jumps into a pantomime game of tennis to retrieve a pantomime tennis ball. He mimes the throw, and in a moment of total reversal, something appears out of nothing. The ball is there. We see his eyes travel back and forth, watching it, and begin to hear it bounce off the rackets. The cinematography, as always, is careful and methodical. One has the opportunity to see one’s fill. “See?” Antonioni says, “I have hidden nothing from you.”

North Caldwell

In which Nero and Mussolini’s Shades Wander through New Jersey

For James Gandolfini

Green Brook Country Club burned down last night and no one’s sure who did it. 

The steps taken alongside Hamilton Dr. a reference to autumn leaves crunched at other times of year. But it’s actually autumn now and “you can put that in the bank,” is what he said. Ranch-style homes L-shaped from sky. Utility poles like toothpicks in God’s eyes. A low basketball hoop for children to dunk in. Came up to my shoulder. 

The day previous I was riding on the subway with a mask on. I was immune to the sub-par conditions of daily life as we’d come to exist it. There was a woman next to me in scrubs––they were aquatic green––, she had bandages around wrists and looked like she’d come from hospital. She was playing Candy Crush on an iPad with sound on and wearing big synthetic shoes that looked like Crocs. I had just passed by the Balthazar Bakery with The Complete Poetry & Prose of William Blake under my right armpit. I’d gotten four of those chewy little cake-pastries that taste like burnt and caramel. 

Yes, it was autumn then too and I put that in my pipe and smoked it

Then, having ferried over to opposite shore––first a brief stand on jigsaw pieces of dock that roiled in time with water––, I took my stand in front of Notre Dame Roman Catholic Church. It was a vigil for all those who’d perished in the country-club flames. But the ironic thing I couldn’t help thinking was how most Catholic churches were made of only stone, but this one had a big rectangle of red wood where usually there’d be windows of stained glass and thus would be much easier to burn down as compared to its fellows. Meaning that the vigil in front of this church was also something like a threat. Additionally, at some point during the walk from the Port Imperial Ferry Terminal to the church, I’d seen a Stephen King display in a library window and this had caused me to think about what it was I’d liked reading as a child. Like having to tell my mom about the sex-abuse scene in The Stand––it had to do with a gun barrel and took place in a tunnel filled with corpses––, then my mom made me take the book back to the Whitefish Bay Public Library and I haven’t revisited it since––didn’t even keep reading after the scene––, only bought a paperback copy of It with thick-cut pages and big print during a lonely week in Oxford and the prose was so unbearable that I had to put it down. It was eventually used to prop open a busted window in the graduate common room of my college and destroyed by rain, its bottom half swollen and bowed out. I had enjoyed Revival a few years before that, though, so there was something about seeing window displays of King’s books that set a wave of lush nostalgia to washing through me. A desire for total immersion.

Also as I passed by the library, two men wearing suits––both pretty nondescript: blue shirts, black blazers, and black pants, their loafers boring leather––were listening to a third––holey sweater, white tennis shoes with velcro straps and material they were made of’d gone yellow, sweatpants that looked like pea soup had gone down fronts of legs, the thin man was the kinda guy who sat at computers by entrances intointo public libraries and men who look like him always daring themselves to make child-pornography-centric Google searches, but never quite taking the plunge. Coke-bottle glasses and “ruthless babysitting.” 

He stood just in front of the library doors making speech of what he seemed to think was great import to the two others.

“I mean… the fact is that I prefer the, y’know, older style of writing history books… the kinda red-meat style of rip-rollicking ride I’m sure gets torn apart at universities… that seems, erm, preferable from the perspective of both readerly pleasure and communicated info. The books that get put out by university presses are filled with fiber and roughage. You really do feel them clean out your, erm, gut… but I don’t like ‘em… don’t like it when the historian just spends all their time enumerating sources and archaeological methods… like, tell me the story! Rip-rollick me, so to speak… Give me Gibbon over these, erm, ivory-tower elites from across the river at Columbia any day…”

“Abasta!” one of the two suited men shouts. 

“Va fungool!” the other chimes in.

The two men are almost indistinguishable except for one is bald and heavyset, whereas the other is skinny, has long hair, and it kinda blends into his mutton chops so’s to form a lopsided halo around his head. A chinstrap that also encompasses scalp. 

The heavyset man gives the strange fella a shove and he falls down onto the squares of sidewalk in front of the glass doors, but stops short of banging head. His sweatpants not even torn and the two men in identical suits immediately set off walking alongside curb.

The road cuts through what they see in front of them and there are manhole covers etched into concrete, fire hydrants up on grass, and inelegant mailboxes made entirely of plastic––the post holding up the box as well as the box itself. The ground is flat enough that the sun probably inclined west by this time of day colors the dun reality of an autumnal New Jersey afternoon with golden needles that prick the horizon. 

“Where we gonna eat, boss?” the heavyset man speaks up after a few minutes of tense trudging away from scene of crime

“I dunno…” 

The skinnier man’s voice is sharper, cuts through the air. The heavyset mouth sounds filled with cotton. Muffled and low in chest.  

“Whadothey even got around here?” the boss again.

“Who knows… a Subway, I think… maybe a Five Guys…”

“Ah, fuck that… fung gool… I’m hungry as shit…”

“Y’know what actually ain’t bad, boss? It’s those, uh, egg sandwiches from Starbucks… they’re better than the McDonald’s ones anyway… I think there oughta be a Starbucks ‘round here somewhere.”

“The fuck??? Egg sandwiches from Starbucks? Ja mook… no chance in hell we go for egg sandwiches from Starbucks. The eggs just sit there cooked all day. Then they put the sandwiches in dem little ovens. They ain’t microwaves, just tiny ovens, I think. And, like, that ain’t even real sausage meat… it’s that Beyond business… nah, fung gool… don be such a mook… think of somethin’ better…”

I regretted having taken the Blake anthology along with me on my trip and the lymph nodes in armpit swollen from its bulky spine. I would have no time to read.

By where the men walk alongside curb, a low stone wall down County Road, a father and his boy tossing football back and forth in front of two-story house that’s lighter shade of baby blue.  

The houses in North Caldwell are whole. In Edgewater, there’re high rises and houses split in twain––tall apartments––, plus their facades the same synthetic feel as pixels of video-game buildings. Gilded railings and black stone on one the two men peer into as they passed by, slicking back their hair with ivory-toothed combs. 

“Boss… I ain’t tryna be no mook…” he scratches at nape of neck. “But maybe you gotta point, I mean, even Five Guys is a lot fuckin’ better than those egg sandwiches… You ever try Five Guys?”

The thin man purses his lips. And continues walking without answering the question that’s been posed to him. It’s difficult to tell if he’s assenting to this option or making clear just how much it disagrees with him. In any case, neither of them know where to find a Five Guys in the environs and this is a residential zone. Houses stretch out just below the sun-needled sky as far as eye can see. But if the skinnier man in charge were a drone shot up into sky and singing, he’d be surveying the burned-down leisure complex that’s not far from here at all, yes, he’d’ve been playing a cithara as Green Brook burned, he’d’ve been thinking of the blue-collar dudes in the basement kitchen who got ashed, their close-toed shoes firmly planted upon vinyl flooring––light beige and curdled cream––with embedded bits of grit to prevent slips and falls. They were slicing onions or frosting cakes for early AM function next day and the fire caught ‘em by surprise. One was portly dude and had wispy chinstrap plus acne scars. The other was thin and chugging Monster, late hour notwithstanding. The skinnier man sings “andiam, andiam, mio bene, a ristorar le pene d’un innocente amor” and the fat man is a second drone floating up to catch him and also capture North Caldwell and how it turns into Edgewater where, I guess, houses split down the middle of front face means they’re duplexes and black-stone facades aren’t made of Craftsman materials, plus they’re next to U-Haul rental facilities and Macedonian food depots. The views from top floor of either side of split are crowded with other duplexes, it’s overpopulated land out here and whatever it was its denizens were getting away from has a habit of chasing after them. The fat man can’t hold a tune exactly, but he’s in approximate key, so superior doesn’t stop him from singing along. And, in life, both of them were after the “restoration of values,” but didn’t have much to do with “un innocente amor.” They can see across the Hudson and they look at it for a moment before turning attention to what’s around them and they do eventually find a Five Guys in Wayne and that pulls them away from river––they’re not planning to head into NYC anyways. Both drones are back down to earth, the suited men review the intel collected, lament fact that it’s to be a six-mile walk, then gird loins and set off.

“So, boss… why you think that stunade had to get all up in our business? I mean… we’re just walking past and the scecchino suddenly takes it into his head to… I dunno… talk about us, I guess…”

“Why you think he was talkin’ about us? Now you’re the one bein’ a spostata! He was talkin’ about books… we got nothin’ to do with books, right? I mean… did you even fuckin’ understand what he was sayin’? Or are you just… is that head of yours packed full of ri gawt ‘steada brains???” 

They walk past a man pacing across sizable lawn with push mower out in front of him and there’s no truck or trailer nearby to suggest he’s been hired––this probably the property’s environmentally conscientious owner. The two suits walking past interrupt their conversation to spit on ground and glare at man plus mower. 

“Ja mook…” the fat one says under breath. 

The boss returns to main thrust of conversation: “I know what you’re thinkin’, Benny… you’re thinkin’, ‘Yes, madam, I am finished… kaputt… My star has fallen. I have no fight left in me. I work and I try, but know that all of this is just a fuckin’ farce… a buncha candy-ass bullshit… I await the end of the tragedy and—strangely detached from everything… like a spostata even—I don’t feel like much of an actor no more. I feel like the last of spectators… like I’m just left here with my fuckin’ dick out…’ That right, Benny?”

“Maybe… I dunno… I feel more like all of New Jersey’s one big lawn and it’s just me and a dumb fuckin’ push mower ridin’ rough over it… You feel me?”

“Maybe, Benny, may-be,” he delicately enunciates both syllables of his last word.

They proceed past scorched skeleton of Greek Brook Country Club and the boss laughs, begins to whistle, then mouths words to himself. He’s saying, “Là ci darem la mano, là mi dirai di sì…”

“Oh, I’ll give you a gentle ‘sì’, boss…” Benny says and they both burst out laughing. No one currently attending to the blackened beams and boards of the club. They’re letting it be and the church behind it––all the way across the golf course-–is where mourners gather. A thousand or so feet later, Benny stops his boss in front of the Essex County Airport and has an urgent question: 

“If that spostata wasn’t talkin’ ‘bout us… then why’d he have to start, y’know, goin’ off like that when we walked past?”

“Pure coincidence, Benny… ‘happenstance’ is what they call it in books…”

Both men watch single guy in orange vest leading diminutive plane with wings that you can see wobble in the breeze back over to terminal. It just landed. The funny thing is that the dude is taller than the plane he’s guiding and usually being on ground with planes at airports seems like overwhelming job in that you’re constantly confronted with bulk of mechanical birds, but this job is almost comical and dude still guides airship with stately gait and waves pylons in hands like conductor’s baton doubled and it’s fiberglass ballet he’s been put in charge of. The other thing is that Benny, already having compared their abodeless wandering across New Jersey to the man with the push mower, now feels urge to liken himself to Essex County Airport employee, knowing in advance that his boss will reject such comparison. 

In life, both Benny and boss were responsible for the big planes. They were followed after by great processions, gatherings of men and women (but mostly men) desperate to mimic their every move. And, yes––Benny is kinda thinking now––, it did feel scary to be in charge of those people, en masse they felt like an elephant or a Boeing 747, but when the people did your will, when the people were a ballet of riveted steel moving in perfect time with pylons with lights at end of ‘em like dog erections being waved which way to go, well, that was the sort of spectacle they had both been after. But, like, after that spectacle, they’d found themselves here in New Jersey, black loafers pacing endless steps outward from North Caldwell. Never really sleeping and nowhere to call home. No job to do. Only enough cash in pocket for cheap screws with hookers in motels closer to Newark. They long for corporate-style establishments that smell like AC and clean carpeting down halls and, in those, it feels like sleeping in a magazine, but they don’t have enough dough right now, so they slumber in drainage ditches and upon fields and under trees, but somehow never dirty their suits or shoes. And always wake up in North Caldwell. Or nearby, anyways… never wandering too far… 

The sun is stuck at particular point in sky so they’re not afraid of impending dark––and why they would be even if it were impending… They proceed past Phone LCD Parts, Rogers Dance Center, Fairfield Self Storage, U-Haul Neighborhood Dealer, Pet Lovers, All Creatures Great and Small Animal Hospital… One loop of high-tension wire between poles much too convex and Benny makes joking leap up toward it. The skinny man affords back-handed thwack to Benny’s shoulder and says, “stop fuckin’ around, ja mook…” 

It’d been the boss’s idea to burn down Green Brook Country Club: an attempt to save selves from own abodelessness. And Benny’d come up with the method of sprinkling the whole place over with gasoline, then exploding two big tanks of the stuff in boiler room, which’d had intended effect. The building was almost entirely wooden and they didn’t know prep chefs would be working well into wee hours––or maybe it was that they’d started their shift real early, though 2am was a little extreme. Boss and Benny hadn’t wanted to kill anyone, but, now that they had, they didn’t exactly regret it, not able to say that it’d been contrary to the desired effect of their action. Their unusually keen appetites while walking today almost seem to be a humorous reference to the deaths of the prep chefs…

AND WHEN I WORKED AS A PREP CHEF AND HAD TO CHOP ONIONS FOR HOURS ON END, I’D WEAR SUNGLASSES BUT STILL BE WEEPING BEHIND THEM, WHICH MADE FOR HILARIOUS SIGHT, AND THE HISPANIC GUYS WHO’D MOLD DICKS OUT OF CREAM CHEESE AND SAY, “MIRA! ERES TÙ, MÁXIMO!”, THEN PROCEED TO PRETEND TO JACK ME OFF WOULD LAUGH AT ME AND ASK, “POR QUÉ ESTÁS TAN TRISTE, AMIGO?” AND I WOULD LAUGH WITH THEM, BUT ALSO I WAS IN CHARGE OF SLICING LIKE 100 ONIONS AND IT WAS SHEER MISERY. BUT I NEVER WAS BLOWN UP AS I LABORED AND THAT WOULD’VE ADDED RATHER A LOT OF INSULT TO INJURY… 

On their left is a building that looks like castle with top sheared off, so it’s just maroon building with weird topless turrets at corners, four cylinders around a central rectangle with rounded walls. They’re on a sidewalk now, burweed grown up in cracks in between squares. This is Passaic Avenue, but it’s also the 613 North. They go past Columbia Bank, Just Cheer Gym, First Commerce Bank, then catch sight of several non-franchise restaurants: Tavern 292, Franklin Steakhouse and Tavern, and Boardwalk Pizza. There’s a Wawa further ahead by a Chase Bank, a Target, and the ramps up onto the 46. A hungry spark flashes forth into boss’s eye when he sees the steakhouse, but Benny waves his hand and, “nah, nah… don’ be a stoo nad, boss… Five Guys is where we gotta go…” 

And, as they walk, the fella who was pushed over when I first caught sight of Benny and boss sits at computer in front atrium of library. He’s googling nothing now, he just sits and mouths words to self:

“So they knocked me over… no biggie… even though them, uh, pushin’ me over suggested disagreement, the fact is that, by, like, attackin’ me and burnin’ down the country club the night before, their actions were in what y’might call tacit accord with what I was sayin’ to ‘em… Bein’ an NJ shade is no Elysian Field, that’s for fuckin’ sure… It’s more like, y’know, runnin’ your eyes across endless descriptions of method and those dudes want their red-meat behavior back too, they’re sick of all this flyover-state roughage… sick of fibrous push mowers and fiberglass wings trembling delicately in the wind… I mean, they can’t even get their dicks wet in a Ramada or Holiday Inn… they’re stuck in the, y’know, ethnic motels by Newark… a big fuckin’ crock of shit… So, no wonder they burned down Green Brook… and balls to the cooks who got crisped, nobody’ll miss those Monster-drinkin’, pockmarked, motherless fucks… Listenin’ to AFI and savin’ up to snowboard for a week in the winter… Wearin’ Burton snow pants in high-school hallways…” 

He’s lost the thread of monologue and, by the time he’s done, Benny and boss have passed by the Fairfield Racquet Club, Jose Tejas, and the unfuckable citadel of  La Quinta Inn––where they dream of screwing and sleeping, but cannot. Benny now singing unaccompanied: “Io cangierò tua sorte. Presto… non son più forte. Andiam! Andiam! Andiam!” 

They walk along the 46 for three miles with Benny singing non-stop, the same lines over and over and over again, then, finally, after 45 minutes of this––it’s incredible he manages to keep it up for so long, I mean, the same lines over and over again for 45 minutes in his imperfect accent, never belting them out with anything less than total verve, not exactly on top of the notes, but also not really out of key––, his boss turns to him and, as they pass beneath stoplight dangling from wire and begin to head north on Riverview Drive, gives him quick, forceful shove.

“Cut it out, ja mook!”

Benny stumbles, rights self, looks at boss with offense writ large upon face, then turns gaze forwards and they walk in silence for a long, long time. 

The William Blake book becomes an increasingly unbearable burden as I get closer to the vigil outside of Notre Dame. I’ve already come to conclusion that Blake’s complex cosmology is a closed system and all I really get out of it is lumbering verse and constant repetitions of the word “vegetable” or “vegetative”. The way I’d expected it to read it based on endorsements by Iain Sinclair and Alan Moore maybe more like how I went through Hegel or Heidegger and had luminous little revelations on every two pages or so. 

Beyond that, seeing the distance from ferry to church on iPhone map, I thought I’d find a bus to ride, but that didn’t materialize, so I wasn’t reading it and was instead walking with big book (990 pages) as bulky companion

Benny and boss are at edge of Wayne now. They pass by Emergence Church, U-Haul Moving & Storage of Totowa, Simple Home Improvements, Amish Country Farms, Riverview Gymnastics, then it’s Primrose School of Wayne that’s herald trumpeting their arrival into town where they’re to chow down on Five Guys Burgers and Fries (their shakes also cold milk and spun sugar pouring forth from metal teats). 

They stand at intersection and on their left and right are evergreen trees in unruly masses like poorly layered cakes on TV shows that’re begging to be criticized, plus there’s single pillbox or wooden trailer without aluminum siding lacquered in cherry red and it’s Back Care Plus Therapy and Rehab. Both men constantly plagued by lumbar ache, so it’s with longing that they gaze over at pillbox, imagining the woman who could knead at their doughy backs, hairy like whatever’s left on barbershop floor pasted to them. They stand there and sun is setting behind a depot-like building of grey stone on their left plus whatever’s inside of it. The trees that aren’t evergreen are spindly fingers shedding last of earthy leaves, wiggling them off as they shiver in breeze like small plane’s fiberglass wings. 

Benny sighs: “oh world… oh poveretta… It’s like I’m the little plane and you’re wavin’ me across the airfield… ain’t that right boss? And New Jersey is like a square of, uh, synthetic stone we can see all four corners of from where we’re standin’…”

His boss laughs. “Come zee bell… Mr. Alighieri over here… Meanwhile I’m so hungry for these Five Guys burgers and fries I’m startin’ to feel heat climbin’ up my throat like fuckin’ agita… heh…”

Benny sighs again: “you think we’ll ever get to ride the big mower or guide the big planes?”

“Stoo gatz… fuck if I know…”

They’re both silent.

“Boss… if we’re just hangin’ around for the night, I wouldn’t mind tryin’ to hitch to the motel and have a screw. It’s been a minute.”

“You text the girls?”

“Nah, not yet…” Benny takes out his Nokia phone. “Should I?”

“While we’re eatin’ you can text ‘em. See if they’re around. Then maybe we can try to hitch.”

Benny puts phone back into pocket.

They are well past massage-pillbox, they are making slight right turn onto Alps Road, then veering left onto Tall Oaks Drive. Places of residence––single-story and ranch-style, rusted drains etched into curb like clown’s satanic fingers creeping out of ‘em, a variety of trees spaced very evenly on the sections of lawn separated from larger chunk abutting house by sidewalk, then they turn right on Seneca Trail. Slats on facades with paint laid on so thick you feel you might be able to chew it. The suburbs are where you come to walk at night with nothing to accompany you but faithful pup, the sound of crickets and cicadas, plus the occasional headlights of passing car.  

MY FIRST WEEK IN THE UK, I THOUGHT CAFFÈ NERO HAD TO BE A JOKE… THE COFFEE TASTED OF BURNT AND THE SANDWICHES SEEMED TO BE INFUSED WITH PLASTIC OR SOME OTHER SYNTHETIC THING THAT WAS TASKED WITH CHANGING MY DNA. I DIDN’T KNOW THAT “NERO” MEANT “BLACK” AND THAT, THEREFORE, THE BOSS WAS THE BLACK EMPEROR. THE BURNT-TASTING COFFEE WAS NOT NAMED WITH REFERENCE TO WHAT HE SET FIRE TO (ROME). 

Weak headlights of just past nightfall are onto Benny and boss as they are down stone walkway between Packanack Golf Course and tennis courts and Packanack Lake. Eventually, the walkway disappears and they are walking on shoulder of road again. The lake finally hidden by a slight slope ornamented with tall grass and Benny walks on top of the slope for a little while, eyeing the ripples of lake’s surface, hoping to see fish jumping out through it, then stumbling down as car passes by––just barely managing to put brakes on own weight’s momentum before he enters car’s path, but does and boss shakes head kinda amicably.

“Spostata!”

The stone walkway by lake is pastoral idyll, then there are low stone walls in front of houses on Widmer Lane and they feel hidden away from the big, bad world (which is, like, intended effect). But on Cedar Place approaching Route 202,  toothache of modernity, endless fluorescent light,. houses get smaller and closer to street, More metal cylinders with intense aspect on utility poles, ewer trees, one is very tall and bark blowing off of it in the wind-–plus what trees have bark that gets so loose it flits off that easy

In the distance, they can see a car dealership with lot lit up real bright. A Target. A Vitamin Shoppe and they sell CBD oil there now––they’ve got their own in-house brand. They pass by an Enterprise with its recently exposed practice of fraudulent claims after vehicle’s return as to damage sustained, the car dealership is called Paul Miller BMW (and thinking of who this Paul Miller might be), then they’ve reached the Five Guys and it’s across from Royal Carwash and Quick Lube, Cabana Coffee Company, Harmon Face Values, and a Party City. 

Maneuver through parking lot and try not to get hit by cars parking too quickly or overly eager to skedaddle. Open glass door and the curved bar they push seems to’ve been rubbed over with burger grease. It’s Steely Dan playing and they’re the only customers in the store. The dude who takes their order is fat spilling over waist of jeans and threatening red shirt with bursting. Skin like feta cheese and pricked over with acne––his hair is thin and color of carrots. They both get cheeseburgers (which means double without having to ask) with the works and a single order of cajun-spiced fries they’re planning to dump malt vinegar over. Plus two large fountain drinks. 

Benny: “I can’t believe you’ve never had this before, boss…”

“Yeah, yeah… we’ll see how I like it. Y’sure we should’ve gotten it with the American cheese ‘steada the mutzadell?”

“Yeah, boss, mutzadell wouldn’t be no good on these burgers. It’d be like gettin’ ‘em with gabagool. A real fuckin’ spostata thing to do…”

The skinnier man pays with a twenty and ten he takes out of ass-pocket. The change isn’t much but he puts it back where it came from. 

Benny fills paper cradle with peanuts, they both fill waxed paper cups with Diet Coke, then they sit down. There’s something simultaneously fatty and airbrushed-clean about the smell of the restaurant. 

Waiting for their order number––64––to get called and it’s David Bowie playing now. “Five Years” and ‘isn’t that ironic…’

They clink waxed paper against waxed paper.

“Saloot a chin don,” Benny says.

“Yeah… saloot a chin done,” his boss echoes. 

Benny takes out Nokia phone once again as they’re slurping from straws and smashing peanuts. Punching each number multiple times to get to right letter.

“Fung gool… I’d kill for a good screw…” Benny says as he laboriously types out his message. 

“I wouldn’t mind one either…”

“Or two,” Benny says and they both laugh. 

There’s no one else in restaurant, but neither man finds it strange. 

“Purple Rain” comes on.

“I fuckin’ love this song…” Benny says.

“Ehh… you know me, I’m more a fan of the classics,” and he sets to whistling the same lines that Benny had so tormented him with earlier in the day.

“64!” the cashier calls out from side of counter opposite to where they’d ordered.

Benny goes to get their food. 

Outside, the wind howls. The night is blacker and blacker as both men sink teeth into ungainly stacks of bread, meat, and vegetable matter. Everything outside melts away, blown off of whatever it was stuck to before, like the bark detaching from those trees they saw. All that’s left is synthetic stone that soon grinds itself into synthetic sand. And Packanack Lake out of which enormous worms are born, cylindrical concentrations of all the filth contained in small body of water––of all that which was ever dumped into it, like in Beetlejuice, when the dead couple tries to leave their house and everything outside is a desert, and worms eat their way through its surface, then wiggle around, then eat their way back down. And the wind outside the Five Guys is bleaker than even that because the worms that come out of Packanack Lake are blown apart into stony particles almost as soon as they take first breath. And the dad and son playing catch disintegrate, and the plane and the man guiding it too, but the dude who’d been pushing the mower is watching the news on a flatscreen TV in his basement so he stays whole

It’s at this point that I reach the vigil and those gathered there are immune to the wind’s deformative aspect. Everything around them is gone, including the church, but they stand upright, the wind blowing right past ‘em, clouds hiding the full moon with wicked effectiveness, and they’re all light in a world of sheer dark. The priest stands there and clears throat as if to begin reading from the Bible, but the one issue is he can’t find the book. The congregates look through the whole church, but the wind seems to have turned almost all the texts in there into particulate matter. They find two and come out onto desert plain with discoveries in hand. I offer up Blake, but the priest takes one look at the first page of Jerusalem and “who are these people? I mean… what are these names?” He declines.

“O UNWASHED FOOL,” I SAY ALOUD, “DO YOU NOT KNOW THAT I AM WILLIAM BLAKE AND NEW JERSEY IS MY JERUSALEM?”

A pudgy woman with a pearl necklace and a flower-print dress offers up Dante’s Purgatory. She sniffs with button nose as she hands the book over. He begins to read to the congregation.

“To course across more kindly waters now…”

But the congregation can tell what’s coming, can taste the grease of ground meat at the root of their tongues, and they boo. 

A very thin man with a lined visage but only just beginning to bald has found something else. A paperback copy of Stephen King’s The Stand. It’s unexpurgated. 

The priest opens this and begins to read. There’s a crow or raven in a blob of blue on the front cover. 

“‘Sally.’ A mutter. ‘Wake up now, Sally,’” the priest pauses as if to test his audience’s reaction.

The crowd glows with happy adulation. 

The remains of Green Brook Country Club are no longer visible across the now-destroyed golf course. The patterns on the surface of the sand look like Arabic letters. 

I pull out my iPhone as Benny texts girls in Newark on his Nokia. They’re done with their burgers. The motel the girls take shelter in might be the only building left standing in NJ––other than the church that is.

My friend Jules texts me that she’s having a tea and a smoked-trout sandwich at the Balthazar Bakery. And reading a work of real historical integrity.

The winds haven’t yet reached Manhattan. 

Right after reading the text, my mouth fills with the taste of burnt and caramel and I mouth the word “canelé.” 

I remember everything. 

Essenschaden

And we, who think of joy 
as ascending, would feel an emotion,
akin to dismay,
when a joyful thing falls.
-Rilke

It recently occurred to me, given the fullness of my Lebenswelt, as the Germans put it, that some of my happiest moments are the few times a week when I sit before a bagel. It is of course not as simple as that. Obviously my wife, my kids, my instruments etc. are the bedrock beneath me, without which the bagel would be mere sustenance, if even that. It’s a very delicate arrangement. Hegel once bitingly said, “We can measure the loss of spirit by noting how little it takes to suffice.” With that in mind, it still seems true that I have underestimated this moment throughout my life. The Bagel is cut open. Its two circles sit side by side before me like the symbol of infinity.   

I want to say a little something before lunch—a grace of sorts. How shall I begin? It’s like the first bite of a bagel: the roundness offers no obvious beginning, you have to just take a plunge. I have in mind to begin like this, echoing a bit of famous Russian bullshit (why not? The bagel is of Eastern European origin, after all):  

All shitty bagels are alike, but the wonderful ones are wonderful in their own way.  

Anna Karenina is perhaps my favorite book, but I hate the opening sentiment, which simply plays on ressentiment. Unhappiness is the general tenor of life, so it’s actually less interesting and far more banal than its opposite. I’ve had two families now, in my time, and I can say with certainty that the happy one is more interesting. But this isn’t about families or Tolstoy. It’s about how to eat a Bagel.

What Tolstoy means, of course, is that joy and sadness are wrapped up together. To have only one half of the spectrum isn’t possible. To be happy without sadness is neurotic, or cloying. To feel joy without a wisp of its haunting loss is mere kitsch. But one-sided sadness is no better than single-sided happiness. The Bagel before me is infinite-sided, 2πr, it is anything but simple or one sided. Could it be that there is an almost Hegelian logic in my bagel? The mind of god before the creation of lunch?

The best bagel in the world is in Brooklyn. I won’t tell you where for obvious reasons. Even mediocre places are ruined by some idiot ranking the best X. I also respect anyone’s taste. Enjoying a shitty bagel is everyone’s right and even though the best bagel is in Park Slope (one of worst neighborhoods for food in general), I still don’t often make the schlepp for one. I won’t get on a subway even for the very best of something. I am more humble than that. Or lazier. Oftentimes there is no difference.

We have a word in my house for a complex culinary experience. I coined the term, actually. It might also be only me who uses it routinely to express my actual experience. I think the others in my family just use it to refer to why their father is weeping over his egg sandwich. The word is Essenschaden and it means the sadness that one feels when something delicious has been eaten and concluded.  

For years I looked for a diagnosis for the intense experience I have that doesn’t seem too widely shared. I read Freud’s Mourning and Melancholia for insight, but only got confirmation that, as a general mourner, I was probably on the right track. Essenschaden for me is not acute melancholia, but more like a chronic but healthy awareness of loss. Like most people, I’ve self-help-googled questions of mental health like: “Why do I mourn when my lunch is over?” All you learn from such a Google search is that others do indeed feel Essenschaden, but no one is recognizing it as particularly profound, troubling or pathological. No one else has even named it. 

I think this must be because it’s a very temporary phenomenon. I’ve never heard of a case that extended longer than a day or two and usually it’s just an hour. It varies only by how intense that hour is. It’s true, I have memories of meals so wonderful that I can almost summon a bygone Essenschaden. I had a near fatal case of it once in Ubatuba, Brazil when we stopped at a Sicilian restaurant.  

We ate like the Italians in La Grande Bouffe, eating as if we were going extinct. If I had been alone and hadn’t needed to drive my family on to São Paulo I might have opted to live in Ubatuba and eaten myself to death there. Even now, I can remember the Essenschaden that I know my family also felt. We didn’t know going in that it was never going to be that good again. I’m not sure if they would agree. But that’s the thing with Essenschaden—it’s an intensely personal affair. It doesn’t matter what someone else thinks or feels.  Essenschaden is something every human faces alone, if they face it at all.  

It is also something you cannot fully remember or convey. It is as existential as it is temporal. I know I had a bad case of it in Ubatuba but I can no longer summon it whole; only empty words that fail, like even the choicest description of the rigatoni al ragù at Frank or the rasam from my mother-in-law’s kitchen. The words reveal only the footprints of escape.  

The table this morning is set with a buttered Bagel, lightly toasted and buttered, still warm. I am filled with anticipation, but I am also preoccupied with the forethought of grief: this bagel will soon be gone. “You can’t have your bagel and eat it too” the cliche goes. Like all cliches, it’s designed to simply dismiss a problem, prematurely and unthinkingly.

As a last little order of business let me say, some people will just want a naturalistic explanation for Essenschaden, blood sugar or what have you, like my son Akash for whom eating is just a necessity he would prefer to be free from. If such an explanation would satisfy you, I don’t know what to say. I feed Akash bagels when he’s not looking and he eats them automatically. I want better for him, but this is how we keep him alive.

***

Last week I employed a strategy. I ate half of my bagel in the blink of an eye—the way I’ve eaten most of my life: unconsciously, ravenously, carelessly. “Slow down,” I thought, and so I did. I slowed my pace in half and then, half again. I thought of Zeno’s paradox. Theoretically, I would never be done with this bagel and could eat it forever. It occurred to me then, that it doesn’t really require Newton to disprove this ridiculous idea. At some point, near at hand, only a crumb remains which can’t even be savored whole, let alone halved. The bagel becomes indistinguishable from nothing, a vanishing infinitesimal. I hear the distant “ahem” from the ghost of Berkeley.  

The bagel and my pleasure enacts the integral calculus all by itself (which, curiously, you would need if you wanted to figure out the area of a bagel). I think about the production of knowledge and the subterfuge the mind resorts to when confronting a problem. But I am not interested in all that, I am interested not in knowledge of the bagel but how best to eat it, which is a function of life.  

Epistemology has no hold over me anymore; it is a young person’s party game at a really pretentious party. As Abraham Joshua Heschel wrote, “man will not perish from lack of information, but from too little appreciation.” Heschel was a great eater of bagels, except at Passover, which is chiefly where we differ. Here’s the first point: appreciate the bagel. The Bagel is not a metaphor. 

The first written records of the bagel date to the year 1610. They showed up in the community regulations of the Polish city of Krakow, which dictated that bagels were to be given as a gift to women after childbirth. There’s a lot to unpack in that.  

There’s a famous essay by Isiah Berlin, everybody knows it, The Hedgehog and the Fox. The idea is that a hedgehog supposedly knows one thing deeply, while the fox knows many things. The reality is neither of them knows anything. Berlin prefers the hedgehog, even though he, himself, is definitely a fox. The idea that you can be one or the other is a little like our idea above about kitsch. They go together, which is kind of the belabored point Berlin is actually making in the essay. Tolstoy, according to Berlin, is a foxy hedgehog. I introduce this so as to say I’m not hypostatizing the bagel. I’m not trying to be hedgehoggy about it.  

For me the bagel isn’t one big thing. It’s a ring of dough, circumscribing nothing. There is a Heidegarian take on that ‘Nothing’—or Nichts as the Germans say—at the center. I’ll spare you. Heidegger would make the bagel one big thing if he had Essenschaden and a sense of humor. What I’m driving at here is that nothingness and loss inform our experience of everything significant and the Bagel is a very good exemplar because it has this element intrinsically and graphically baked into it.  

As bagels began expanding, literally, in the vicious NYC competition, some got so big that the hole began disappearing. Bagels in NYC are now often obese little spheres with no philosophical depth. I’m against this. But anyway, here’s the point: neither a hedgehog nor a fox appreciates a bagel (at least, this is my belief). I suppose this is why Hegel has no patience for animals in general—he considers their eating habits to be schlechte Unendlichkeit.

Let’s talk a little about Hegel before lunch. Hegel has one really big idea; he’s the ultimate hedgehog. But he’s also quite foxy: he sees his big idea everywhere, which is how he is able to write such large books. If I had an idea as good as his, I’d want to see it everywhere too. I’m going to share the inner essence of Hegel with you.

Early in his Science of Logic, Hegel talks about two infinities, which he calls, somewhat limply, “the good infinite” (wahrhafte Unendlichkeit) and the “bad infinite” (schlechte Unendlichkeit). I’m often asked why I bring Hegel into everything. I swear it’s just a coincidence that the only thing Hegel rhymes with is Bagel. It really didn’t occur to me until now although it’s probably the first thing all young Hegel scholars figure out. (I feel quite sheepish about this but at least I’m not talking about Bagels and Locke.)

For Hegel, the bad infinity is the infinity of mathematics: N+1 (not the literary journal. I’m talking about counting). You can count forever. There is no way-station in the number line, but just an unending sameness or continuum. This common conception of infinity is, to use Hegel’s colorful language, “bad.” Try counting to a million to get the feel of it. According to Google, it will take 11 days, 13 hours, 46 minutes if you don’t take a bagel break. Go on. I’ll wait.

The good infinity is that wherein something is complete in every moment of its being—to use a bad enlightenment expression, it is “autonomous.” Instead of counting from 1 to 2 and then on to 3, the good infinity is a self-fulfilling movement. I suppose if you were counting for pleasure, and not for function, like The Count on Sesame Street, this point would not hold, but very few outside of a muppet can achieve this. Hegel buttresses his point with a great deal of metaphysics, and nothing is less metaphysical than a bagel, so let’s leave it in the bag for now. Aristotle actually has a similar, but simpler, way of saying the same thing.

Aristotle writes about kinesis and energeia, which roughly transpose to the Hegelian concepts. Kinesis (movement) for Aristotle is like N+1. When we walk somewhere, we’re moving from point A to point B. B contradicts or negates A. The movement from A to B has no intrinsic, immanent meaning; it’s merely instrumental. Its meaning lies outside of itself, and by that I mean the purpose of kinesis is in the getting to point B; the result isn’t within kinetics itself. But here’s Aristotle’s beautiful idea. There’s another kind of activity, a higher form that he calls energeia. If we go for a stroll, especially with a good friend, then the activity is complete in each of its moments and its value does not lie outside of itself. We don’t stroll to get from A to B; even if there is an A and B, we stroll to share a pleasant moment. Strolling is energeia. If you’re very, very upset when you’ve strolled with a friend “to get some key lime pie,” and the pie place is closed, you should perhaps re-examine that friendship and consider strolling next time with only a piece of pie instead.

Let’s wrap this up before my bagel gets cold. Hegel calls his good infinity a circle, and a bagel is also a circle: the end is just another beginning. You can’t find the end of a circle, but you can wrap up a bagel, and therein lies a clue to the whole terrible issue of Essenschaden.

So that’s why Hegel criticizes animals, because they take an object and merely consume it. Bear sees bagel, bear eats it. (Schlechter Bär!) But what’s bad about that? I see bagel, I eat it; or at least that’s what I used to do. Now I also mourn its passing while I eat.  

It’s said that we’re called human because we bury our dead (the name ‘human’ is related to humus which means earth) and burying is part of mourning. We are distinct from other animals in the degree to which we do this sort of thing. We are also distinct in that we cook our food and bake bagels, which is one of these amazing things that we take for granted, but shouldn’t. It was only in 1264 that Polish Prince Boleslaw determined that “Jews may freely buy, sell and touch bread products like Christians.” My ancestors couldn’t even touch bagels (if they existed) before 1264 AD! What is it in a Bagel that would make someone think they cannot even be touched by Jews? Yes, there is something important in a bagel. It reminds me suddenly of the Nazi jurist Carl Schmitt.

Schmitt wrote, “Tell me who your enemy is and I’ll tell you who you are.” It’s often repeated as if it says something really profound, and it makes sense in the context of wondering about the banning of Jews from bagels. Schmitt was a Nazi, after all. But I’m not sure why we repeat this line. More true would be: “Tell me what astonishes you and I’ll tell you who you are.” Most people have forgotten to be astonished.  

So many have forgotten how to love what is before us. Perhaps this is because we must inevitably mourn when we love. Pain, as Queen Elizabeth once said, startling the kingdom with sudden and piercing eloquence, is the price of love.

I just thought of something now that feels too important to let slip: one last sacred cow to secularize before lunch.  

One of the most famous discussions of love in the Western canon is Plato’s Symposium. I’m sure you know it: a bunch of Greek men get together in the evening to pay tribute to love as a great god. A lot of wine and speechifying ensues. Aristophanes writes one of the best little tales about the origin of love, which is where the Symposium would have ended if I was Plato’s editor. But it doesn’t end there unfortunately. What follows is Socrates’s idea of love, the most famous definition of love there is. I submit that it is backwards and, well, bullshit. If it was true, Essenschaden would not exist.   

The simple point of Socrates’ discussion of Eros, the god of love, is that we don’t actually desire that which we have; we simply desire that which we lack. It’s the teenage-boy version of desire. One might naturally surmise that the source of Essenschaden is precisely because we no longer “have” the desired object. I am no longer in Ubatuba, so my Essenschaden was merely the longing for what was lost. But this is a superficial explanation and it does not describe what I’ve come to understand about love. I do not have a teenage, erotic attraction to the bagel before me.

Plato is of course setting the reader up for the transition from desire for earthly objects to the desire for wisdom. But it’s unnecessary to predicate our desire for wisdom with privation. The one time I acted with something like wisdom, it made me want even more of it, alas. 

Also, to take leave of the earth for the transcendental realm seems spectacularly unwise. This is the whole reason for Nietzsche’s hatred of Socrates. My desire for a bagel, like my desire for wisdom, or my desire for my wife, is not extinguished by union with them. It is for this reason that there are at least eight different kinds of love that humans have carefully delineated over the centuries since Socrates. I’m not here suggesting Bagel-Philia is the ninth form.

Love is not an infinite, unending chase of consumption. That would be schlechte Unendlichkeit. 

Before eating let’s save love from Socrates’ vulgar proto-capitalist idea. My love, here and now, as I sit down with my bagel is a stroll. It is a consummation of eternity—but, and this is important, in the limited way available to a mere mortal. The experience will end and I will suffer quietly and alone. This is why a god would never experience Essenschaden: they can eat forever. 

But it’s also why, in so much literature, the gods seek to become human. Rilke’s angels are always sadly seeking a return to earthliness, to feel the weight of a joyful thing fall, or as they say in Czech, to be freed from “the unbearable lightness of being.” Essenschaden is the reverberation of a meaning meant; a commitment committed. It is the passion play of love. I am soon to be nailed to the cross of my Bagel.

Come with me now through this bagel hole to the end of grace.  

In the time leading up to now, there was preparation, kinetic motion—it was all movement towards. Now I cut the bagel. Now I toast it. I turn off all my devices and light a candle. I notice the clock ticking away in anticipation, passing like poppy seeds in an hourglass, the oven running its predictable, instrumental course. Waiting makes pleasure great. This is a Sabbath, of sorts. Am I overdoing it?  

“We can measure the spirit’s loss by how little it takes to suffice.” Shut up Hegel. “Baruch atah homotze lechem min haaretz.” Why am I going Jewish? I consecrate this short time I have with you. You lend this time its beneficence. Grief is before me, because I know this time will end, but while it flows, it is exactly what I should be doing. Baruch Atah…I will mourn your loss, but I know the baker plans to make another bagel. 

A new time has come. Not a time that is marked on a clock, even though it happens to be 3 a.m. Clock time is schlechte Unendlichkeit. No, we have entered another kind of time, a moment of indwelling spirit, a time complete in every moment of its being. The Essenschaden I feel when I’m done will be the reverberation of this perfect moment transiting time itself; transitioning from one time to another, spirit time to clock time, energeia to kinesis, the good infinity to bad. The bagel and my Essenschaden are the smallest circle of spiritual completeness, reduced to a moment that anyone could fully appreciate. We don’t need to be truffle-hunters of the spirit. We will not perish for lack of information, but for lack of appreciation. It’s time to eat infinity. It’s bagel time. 

Amen